we are the tide

I took a smart pill for the first time today.

I don’t know if it’s the dextroamphetamine in my system or actual clarity of thought that is making me feel so much better about life.

probably both, but I hope to keep these words, these thoughts in mind once the drug has left my system.

Since I found out, thinking of him unbearably happy with another girl, who is a year and a half younger than me, when he told me I was too immature, inexperienced, unsure of myself, made me physically sick to my stomach.

I hadn’t been able to eat since I heard.

It’s weird that I know so many details about his newfound relationship, but he willingly told them to my roommate (who is also my closest friend at school) while tipsy at 7 pm on a Tuesday.

Facts that I previously did not acknowledge about him:

He’s constantly trying to impress people he thinks are worth are impressing, and most people see through him. I didn’t for a long time, because I was flattered that he was trying to impress me, when almost always I am invisible.

He’s borderline alcoholic. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen him sober past 7 pm.

He strung me along for weeks, one foot out the door, just as he didn’t start being a dick and ignoring me until he was 100 percent sure that this new chick wanted to date him.

I was just a girl to him, nice ass, nice tits, smart with decent taste in music and movies and that was all he needed, until he realized that I have issues that I need to sort out, and herpes.

That’s probably a big one.

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but even though he made me feel like shit the past couple days, he gave me more than he took, and he didn’t even do it on purpose.

I had no idea what how I was supposed to be treated in a relationship before I met him.

I had no idea what actual good sex was like.

he taught me what I should have already known

respected me in some ways (most ways)

All he did was be a decent guy to me, but I’d never really had that before, so I fell hard

I let myself fall hard, I wanted to fall hard, I thought he would save me.

For a while I think he wanted to.

but I’m glad he didn’t

because now I am in the process of saving/ finding/ being myself.

Sorry that was long but I don’t think anyone actually reads me anyways.

phoebe