the hardest button to button

 on wednesday everything came crushing down on top of my chest

at the beginning of a 4 hour class, in front of peers that I’ll be taking classes with until I graduate.

I ran to the bathroom, hands covering my face, trying to get a grip on myself

I went in the handicapped stall crouched down in the corner and hyperventilated for what felt like forever but was probably more like 10 minutes.

One of the girls in my class that I don’t really know but have always been friendly with came and fished me out of the bathroom and took me outside and calmed me down.

It was so kind of her, I don’t know what I would have done if someone hadn’t.

I then had to go back in that class, still red and puffy, and quietly ask my teacher if I could leave and make up the lab

I felt like a small child, like everyone could see through me

the whole world staring blankly at my insecurity, seeing that I have no control over my emotions sometimes.

And it’s lonely still, here, there aren’t many people that would notice my absence.

it makes it hard to remember sometimes that I don’t want to disappear. 

 

I haven’t told many people about it. I haven’t had panic this strong and overwhelming in so long.

I hope that it’s because of the IUD ( or at least magnified by it)

This sort of reaction is unlikely, but I’ve never had hormones before so I don’t know how I’d react to them.

I feel stable and good about life in general, I think.

 

Things with my housemate and I have been rather tense lately.

I haven’t been home much because of work and school and it’s usually easier to go to Eric’s than to my house because my housemate doesn’t really doesn’t hide his dislike of Eric.

And we complain about each other to our friends.

but it isn’t really about the dishes or the floor or the bathroom, as it probably seems to an outside observer.

it’s because we never resolved any of the issues that arose because we hooked up.

We can’t be friends like we were before, no matter how much he wants us to be.

I’m not like every other girl that he knows, and flirts with and tries to impress with his artwork.

I know him at a different level than most people.

And he came home on thursday late at night and I told him about the panic attack and we talked about life and how we don’t know each other anymore.

This time I was honest, and I told him that all of this is because we hooked up and immediately after he had new girls over.

How did he expect me to feel?

Then he said how much he didn’t like Eric, and that he was jealous in the way he’s be jealous of his best friends girlfriend.

He then said he wished we could go back to that couch, and have it like we were dating minus the physical intimacy.

Just closeness and flirtation with no consequences.

And it’s never going to be like that again.

I don’t really want to move when our lease is up, but the tension is mounting

and neither of us seem to be able to resolve it, because we’ll never be together, but we’ll never just be at a friend level.

 

love and ladybugs

phoebe