the cold part

People have given me a lot of advice about getting herpes, dealing with it, finding someone.

What I was not prepared for was finding someone, developing feelings for them, and then imagining inflicting upon them something that has caused me so much pain.

I felt like I was going to throw up when he said he has mysterious bumps.

In a matter of seconds everything about what I was doing became so much more real.

I may have given him herpes.

We’ll find out on Tuesday.

If he doesn’t have it I don’t want to continue being with him, ever.

I care too much about him to change his life for the worse in that way.

 

Is this my curse?

To select a mate based on a disease? I don’t think that’s fair, or right, but feel like the most selfish person in the world right now for putting him in this position.

I know he knew the risks, but nothing feels real until it is a large growling beast in your face. permanence is terrifying in our youthful eyes.

 

I want someone to like me for me, and vice versa, but how could I possibly have a normal relationship?

I’m trying not to be pessimistic, but if I was free of herpes,

I wouldn’t want to have sex, be in a relationship with someone who did, unless I really loved them,

thought I was gonna marry them someday,

but how would I know they were the person if I didn’t put myself at risk ?

 

God knows I like sex. I like sex with him particularly.

I feel like I should just have a tattoo that says herpes on my lower abdomen. The tattoo is as permanent as the viral infection.

But then I am letting it define me.

I wish there was someone else I knew who really understood what this feels like.

Life is so much more than this.