summertime sadness

Saturday night I went to a party, did not get drunk

Everyone was plastered

and watching them absolutely shitfaced made me realize how simple people can be when intoxicated

sure you say ridiculous things

but you’ve thought them all before

 

I have this friend that tells everyone they are beautiful when she’s drunk

on saturday she came up to me and said

‘Sarah you’re so pretty. Take care of yourself. Hold out for what you deserve. Don’t settle.’

She must have said it 20 times.

And it rings eerily true.

 

I started thinking:

1) why do I still jump when I see him?

2) People saw me with him and knew I was rebounding.

3) None of it was real. M, J, neither were loving healthy relationships. I’ve never had one of those.

I feel like I’ve loved, for the wrong reasons, sure.

never had the true affection.

It’s unsettling, realizing that everything that caused me so much pain was not even real.

 

and it’s back, that reaching insecure little girl that wants someone

to hold her gently in strong arms

saying that everything is okay,

there is nothing wrong with your soul,

nothing wrong with you at all.