Pinus contorta

Pinus contorta

Beach pine

family: Pinaceae 

These are all over the dunes, frothy and covered in lichen.

 

Driving home through the fog, I felt the serenity of being completely alone. nothing to look at, just misty whiteness settling around me, cutting the whole world and it’s problems off.

his place is warm and comfy and safe, exists outside of all that is school, all that is sad and scary.

there is a slow warming in my heart and I do not know.

I do not know who I am and what I want or who I love or why.

Why? Why? who is he in the quiet midnight hours, holding me gently?

And then David sitting in LA, wondering why he hasn’t heard from me recently and I care for him so, but I do not know, I never know.

And my housemate, and his declarations of my need to not be alone, and the silly ways I always get myself hurt.

and he knows me so, but in recent months we live together quietly as strangers.

 

I got and IUD on friday. So far I am alive.

Sat in the doctors office, so alone, so vulnerable, staring at blank white ceilings and wondering if doing these things means anything, and why it was so scary.

I have a job slinging pizza.

there is something so comforting knowing that I am capable of being hired somewhere, of putting in hard work.

the world spins so slowly but all together fast.

I find myself lost but more clear headed than ever.

 

love and lichens

phoebe