Myrica californica
Myrica californica
family: Ericaceae
Pacific wax myrtle
whenever we talk about this tree we make jokes about ‘Murica
It took me so long to remember these guys, but they’re all over the area
it’s so dry and hot during the day
the biggest drought this county has ever seen
I just want some cold weather and rain
and to dissolve into something else
a sea turtle maybe
I have this dull aching feeling in the back of my brain
I am tearing slowly at the seams
it isn’t like before, an unexpected rip
it’s so subtle I hardly notice it
except for in my dreams, and the constant inner monolouge of self doubt that I can never seem to completely shake
I am drowning in all of my classes, and running out of oxygen
Every time the panic starts to creep up, I tell myself, that I am smart, I can do this.
and then I waste hours and hours on the internet
wondering where all my study time went
feeling the pressure in my whole body and yet doing nothing about it
I am a stuck person
I get stuck easily
and something about this place, my life here always makes me feel stuck
I think I could feel stuck anywhere
I guess sometimes I hope there is someone who can pull me out
keep me in motion
but I shouldn’t need someone else for motion
I don’t want to need anyone else for anything
but here I am
wishing desperately for motion
for something to change although it never really will
because my mind will never change
and I will never know what I truly want.
love and egrets
phoebe