lupinus bicolor

dreaming of springtime purple lupins on the mountains 

 

I haven’t had much to say lately

thinking constantly

words that never really seem to have any meaning

in the coming weeks, things could go really well, or they could blow up in my face

it’s been so cold, my car door was frozen shut this morning

I sort of love it

for some reason it reminds me that it is the giving season

I love picking and wrapping and giving presents to people

and I finally have a little cash of my own to do it

if I ever have kids they will be so spoiled in the holiday season

Eric always gets this concerned look on his face when I talk about kids in the future

I mean, waaaay in the future, when I’m 29-30 ish

I keep having dreams where I’m pregnant, or having a kid

It’s always a boy, and I always name him henry or arthur

my subconcious must be on the fritz

I’m afraid of losing eric, his recent endeavors have landed him in a position where unless something changes he’ll run out of money soon.

if he runs out of money, he’ll probably go back to new york.

back to his real world, and not the one he’s in now that consists mostly of marijuana laden dreams.

Beautiful dreams, but sadly dreaming doesn’t pay well these days.

I hope he doesn’t leave, but I also hope he doesn’t stay here unhappy.

I told him last night that I was scared of his leaving, and I am.

But this morning driving to school I was thinking that I don’t want him to stay here if he isn’t doing what he loves, even if that means we can’t be together.

even though I consider myself mostly scientific, I still believe, for whatever reason, that everything happens for a reason.

Love and lupins

phoebe