10/28/2012
Ive been running
and running
and running from all the things that I feared the most
that lonely darkness in my brain
While running, dodging, avoiding all of my problems, they seem to have accumulated.
I have lived for 4 and a half months halfway moved into my room
I made progress today, but it is pretty haphazard
I don’t know
my mind is so foggy right now I can’t make sense of what’s going on
most of the time
but I have dreams about everyone all the time
haunting vivid dreams
I’ve been getting really stoned at night
so I don’t think about him until I fall asleep
it works as a crutch
but I still haven’t completely let go
which will definitely bite me in the ass if he ends up with someone else.
I secretly selfishly hope he doesn’t find anyone (as awesome as me but more right in the brain)
until next semester(?) when we can start fresh.
I could be happy for him and someone new
really upset, but eventually happy
without him I would be so much farther away from myself than I am now
I feel like we aren’t finished yet
but maybe those are my selfish pulling fingers unwilling to let go of him
his shirt is still sitting on my desk
next to his aviators and the sand dollar we found on the beach when I’d known him maybe a week.