New Years with Friends
Corr: Laura, Jeremy, Paul, Marty, Geoff, Joanna and Dave
Allright, I’ve got it all figured.
Everyone who can make it to Paul’s can start the party on the 26th, Leandra and
Marty and I will clone ourselves tonight so that come Boxing day we can
simultaneously be opening gifts with my Grandma and kickin’ it back with
everyone at Paul’s place in Toronto at the same time. For everything to work
out nicely, Jo will have to undergo miosis on the 3rd day of Christmas, so that
she can have her eyes open when she goes to Aaron’s parents’ place for
Christmas eve and the wedding on January 1st, while simultaneously chillin’
with the lot of us in T.dot. Jeremy and Laura will have to construct a 282 mile
long lassoo unless… Geoff can you teleport?
Either way, when we’re all together at Paul’s on the 26th, we’ll open up an
alternate dimension using Paul’s T.V. feed wrapped around his lap-top with his
cell-phone hot-glued to the side of the lap-top playing the Big Lebowski at the
part when they find out Bunny came back, with Paul’s cellphone constantly
dialing ‘9’. This way we can co-exist in a second dimension inadvertently
creating a reality in which one dimension is actually the 31st of December so
we can wish Paul a Happy birthday and say "Happy New Years Eve" to our future
selves through txt messaging and facebook wall-posts. Then, while in the
second-future dimension we’ll squeeze into Paul’s birthday present teleportation-machine
(shh!) and Teleport to England to say happy Chunukah to Dave and pat him on the
back for getting accepted to Oxford. Then, we’ll take a Russian high-speed
under-sea shuttle to Joanna’s house for fireworks and tobogganing in the park
behind her house at mid-night with a frosty bottle of thirsty duck. Ideally, if
we do our calculations correctly, come 12:00am, our alternate time-and-space
port will invert itself and we’ll all find ourselves in the year 1020 where we
can fit right in to the Arabic civilization at that time. Apparently, in the
year 1020 "Arabic civilizations had contributed the most to world knowledge, in
fields such as mathematics, astronomy, philosophy, physics and chemistry",
which is perfect because Paul and Marty are good at math, Laura, Leandra and
Jer are philosophers, Geoff’s good at chemistry, Joanna can make up some s**t
about why there’s a moon, and I’ll write a physics text book specializing in
‘Triangles’. The next morning we’ll catch the Hogwarts express back home to the
year 2010, say our goodbyes and wish each other happy holidays until we see
everyone again at Jeremy’s cottage in June.
How does that plan work out for everyone?
-Phil