Crystal Cleared

Listening to: Craig Cardiff – (you’re never home)

 

I think maybe I’ve evolved to a degree. With girls I mean.

 

I’ve been single for over a year now, for the sake of the well being of my personal development. I don’t seem to have the ability to make time for anybody besides myself, and even then I’m struggling. It’s a fast paced life, whatever it is I’m doing with it.

I’m always too busy to make it out to water polo practice, or to hit the library, or to write and record. I guess if I had time to spare it’d make dedication to a girlfriend figure much simpler. But Dave does it, and so does Geoff. Each of them share a busy schedule between a band and a personal life and each of them find time at least every other day to spend happily in the presence of one girl, dedicating their entire attention.

 

I can openly admit that my new found fear of dedication has taken my standards to an extreme height.

I guess what I’m saying is I haven’t turned my head for just anybody for some time now. It doesn’t seem like it’s worth the focus or the commitment. However, one lovely girl in particular has been increasingly successful. I met her just recently because I made an honest comment about her to my friend Sheila (65).

 

“Actually, Sheila, the girl who I think is the most beautiful is that one just over there..” I said in the cafeteria one day, subtly pointing to a girl wearing a jean skirt and purple stockings, topped with an artsy scarf and perfect short hair capped with a black beret.

As Sheila discovered for me later that day, this girl in particular was named Sara. Not only was Sara taken back by my comment, re-delivered by Sheila, but apparently she had interest sparked for me in return. And had “wondered about me” for some time. Sheila tends to spread spoken words without sonsultation, especially when it has to do with setting up couples. I don’t blame her at all, by default her job renders her omniscient.

The next few weeks continued to be a stagnant pond of fruitless efforts at finding an opportunity to speak with Sara. I started to get the impression that she was shy. Saying "hi!" to her as she passed me on the street always followed with her lowering gaze accompanied by a timid smile.

 

I eventually dug my way into getting a few words out of this girl’s mouth in attempt to discover a sign of intellect. From day to day routine I finally had figured out how to speak with Sara as comfortable opportunities arose. I invited her to a show.

 

She came late and missed our performance; needless to say I wasn’t entirely disappointed. The performance consisted of two thirds the members of the Bears and was a sketchy thro- together set for a coffee house in support of an Oxfam emergency fund. Shortly after JP asked me if she was single, keenly expressing his interest, I had the urge to ask her out myself. Just for the hell of a thrill I guess ("But I don’t care if I fuck up, I’m goin’ on a date with a rich white lady…ain’t life great. Give me one good reason not to do it, so do it." – E.S.). I took seat beside her in the audience and made some progress with our intellectual confrontations. I asked her if I could make her dinner some time.

 

“Sorry to be blunt, but I’ve wanted to get to know you. I’m not even sure if you’re single.” I said.

 

“That’s really sweet. But, see, I don’t know if I’m single…I’m a complicated girl.”

 

I already half expected this as a response, and it came as no surprise. But, I wouldn’t be able to leave there happy with myself unless I made the dive.

"That’s allright, I understand what you mean." I replied.

As far as I saw it, the ball was now in her field. I wondered if she knew how to throw.

Later in the week her response made more sense with thanks to news from Tom.

 

“Yeah, apparently she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. Every guy she talks to has been trying to get a date with her.” he said.

 

I pieced it together in my head and everything seemed to make sense. She’s so shy, but it’s understandable. Every guy she’s ever met since she turned 15 has probably wanted to make her dinner. I’d imagine that what she’d look for in a guy would have to be of a god-awfully high standard. From then on I forgot entirely about my chances with her. Perhaps it explains why she’d tie in for 3 years with someone, just for the sake of an easy reply: "Thanks for the offer, but I’m taken."

 

As time passed, Sheila continued to ebb me on with this. Every day she’d say “So, your friend came in and she was askin’ about ya!”

 

“Oh yea now?” I would say.

 

“Oh, gosh yes. She told me about your offer to make her dinner. And what she said to you wasn’t what she meant, everything came out backwards. My gosh did she ever blush!”

 

I didn’t fall for it. Even if it was the case. I couldn’t get past the thought about how much heart tugging confusion Sara must be with her recent break-up. The only thing that would come of this would be a potential rebound scenario. I thinl she’d play me like a card. Sheila continued to tell me

not to give up hope, and I continued to smile and say “Yeah, well, maybe if she wasn’t so shy.”

 

Sara came to a few shows and, needless to say, she was certainly impressed with the Bears. Even I’M impressed with them! But the number of girls that come up to me after every show to hug me and kiss my cheek is horrendous, and seems to be exponential with each performance.

 

Tonight felt the best. The Bears were wonderful. Everyone on key, on beat, smiles wide, eyes bright… The fans were dancing and howling and having a grand old shin-dig. And right in the middle of the crowd was Sara, covering her mouth and piercing me with her incredible crystal eyes and lightly freckled mask.

 

I didn’t feel anything this time. All the times our gazes have met on the side walk my heart would trip.

 

I guess I’ve come to wallow in the courage I had and the pride I took in asking her out that her decline of my offer made me feel invulnerable. It’s as if I’ve out right told her she could have me if she wants, and left it at that with a smile. This pending offer increasingly remained another fruitless effort in our stagnant pond of progress.

She always stays close to her friends, never daring to reach out to an independent reality. I see this as a bit of a turn off. If I’m going to share myself with someone I’d want them to be independent, I think it’s mature. Otherwise how would they ever come up with interesting things to do and say. I believe it comes back to the fact that she’s dazzlingly beautiful, this providing reasoning for being so timidly insecure in social situations. Tom has also told me he heard (from his previous reliable source) that it takes a lot to stimulate Sara. Which also doesn’t surprise me when I consider how incredibly immaculate her facial features are. She must get more attention than a new born male in India. I’m not one to stimulate, I’m just one to be.

 

The latch-on-to friend for the evening happened to be my buddy Rachel, an outgoing and very musically talented fabric design student at Dalhousie. Long after the show, Rachel giggled with Sara in the corner of the soon to be deserted bar. Within moments, Rachel approached me, took both my hands in a seductive way and said “I’m just a messenger, but…” I sighed, and she continued “Sara wants you to know that she thinks your very, very cute and she takes back her previous comments – " I stopped her with a laugh, smiled and said “I guess that’s nice”. Wondering all the while how much I felt like I was in grade 7.

 

I don’t know what that meant but what I derived is pretty clear: The most disappointment can come from expectation. Something I’ve understood since I took my first AOL course.

I didn’t for it one bit, I was actually rather turned off by it. I mean, what’s impressive about a girl who needs a messenger?

 

Why couldn’t she just tell me herself?

 

I think for now I’ll wait more patiently… Proudly afloat in stagnant pond of fruitless effort. As I’ve said to so many friends: The girl will come when you least expect her.

 

 

“And I could be the Lion to your Dragon, the river to your ocean, a moon stuck in your sky, and the calm to your commotion as long as I…as I could be me." – CC