Chapter 1… again

Dear diary world,

My account was made many years ago (2012), however, reading back through my old posts I felt that the posts didn’t come from me. It seemed like a whole different person. It was almost as if I had read a book and recognised the story, but hadn’t lived it myself. So now it’s gone. Into the darkness. So now, I begin again.

So about me. I am 34 years old, female, mother to 2 children (1 girl, 1 boy) and several animals (5 cats and a dog, probably some spiders I don’t know of yet!), I used to be a wife but not anymore, sister, daughter, friend, scout leader and patient. I usually say my hobby is crochet, but that has recently taken a back seat to my rediscovered hobby of reading. I have read 6.5 books since January 12th. The last time I read for fun before that was…. too long ago for me to remember!

Whilst I am here telling you about me, i should probably tell you about my biggest identity issue currently. I have Multiple sclerosis (MS), diagnosed on christmas eve 2018 just a few weeks after my husband and I seperated, completely unexpectedly, although now in hindsight I should have expected it more. Perhaps denial and sheer stubbornness made me excuse all the signs before that (this is in relation to both my marriage and diagnosis!). I say this is my biggest identity issue because most people hear MS and think of someone in a wheelchair, or not very mobile. However, thankfully, I can still walk most of the time. I spend my days falling between feeling like I have imposter syndrome and trying to push through so I look normal. My days vary between struggling to get up from bed to do the basics, to walking the dog around a wood or cheuferring my children between clubs and socialising for hours. Every 4 weeks I receieve and infusion of treatment that helps to keep the monster MS at bay just that little bit more.

When I was first diagnosed I felt it was a bit of a death sentence. I suddenly felt like it was inevitable that I would die younger, at least in my personality and mobility, if not literally. I proceeded to make a mental bucket list of things i wanted to make sure I did before I lost the ability to do so:

1) teach my youngest how to ride their bike

2) see my oldest throught their exams, hopefully successfully.

3) Buy the desired clothes for said oldest for their Prom. help them get ready and enjoy seeing their next phase begin.

4) Make some  memories that my children will keep with them for longer than I am.

5) ensure legal paperwork is set in stone to ensure the safety and welbeing of my children are taken care of should the worst happen.

6) leave some kind of legacy.

7) See my children in happy relationships, with whoever makes them happy. Potentially ‘walk’ them down the aisle should they choose marriage.

8) hopefully see my grandchildren, or even great grandchildren (my great grandparents are still alive and kicking – although one of them is less of the kicking now).

5 years later I have completed most of the items on the list, if 5/8 is most. But my mind has slowed in his frantic pace, as I have realised my life span is not much less than it would have been otherwise. But alas, we never know how long it really is.

So here I am, back again.

MS C 2.0 (although I’m not sure this 2.0 is an improvement as such!)