A Shoo-In…No Doubt

I was hired here to write. Initially, policies and procedures but now I write and edit bid solicitations and contracts. Terribly boring stuff for the most part, but what he hey…keeps me out of the bars (during daylight hours anyway…most of the time). In this tech-heavy organization, however, one who writes – pretty much me and one other – is like one who does calligraphy. Once it’s discovered you do that kind of thing, you’re often quite…popular. I’ve done a whole lot of personal writing at the requests of many co-workers. I really don’t mind (when I have the time) because it provides some variety and the topics are frequently considerably more interesting than what my job calls for. I’ve done many letters of complaint, letters of appreciation, letters of demand, letters in response to letters of demand, resumes for family members (and cover letters to accompany), TONS of school work editing, a letter of application to law school, and even a love letter once for a geek who hadn’t a clue.

Yesterday a co-worker asked if I would draft a letter of application for her son. She is a friend as well as a co-worker and is the single mother of an adult wayward son (aren’t they all?). He’s living at home and working, but no career in sight nor any apparent inclination to ever leave the nest. A neighbor of my friend is employed by a large national company installing and repairing elevators and he coerced the man-child into applying for the company’s apprenticeship program. Mom of course sees this as a golden opportunity…for her…so asked if I would please draft the letter of application for him. Since she is a friend, I put out my best effort:

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August 18, 2005
N.E.I.E.P.
3266 Howard Ave., Suite 44B
Kansas City, MO 64133

Hey, Y’all:
Wassup? Like rumor is you folks are looking for an elevator man. Like look no further – I’m your guy!! Well you actually asked for someone to work on “people movers” and since I’m a people, I’m like fully qualified as I see it. But, wait, there’s more:

Like I like elevators…I mean…really I do. I’ve liked ‘em for like a long time now. Like I member when Billy Devon and me were about fourteen – I think we was fourteen…yeah…that’s it ‘cause it was like when we were like in the third grade (again) – me and Billy used to like run that fat-assed old truant officer nuts by like skipping school and like using that elevator at Sears Roebuck to like keep on the move from him. Like we had some good times then that’s for sure. We used to like take that emergency phone and call folks and like tell them there water was running and shit you know. I guess I like knew then that elevators were like part of my life. Oh…remind me will ya when I like start working with you dudes to call Billy and tell him what y’all like build those bastards with ‘cause like try as we might, we never could like get them to light on fire. Like not for very long anyway.

Let’s see…like what else? Oh yeah. When I was like between jobs after my first parole, I like had this posse I’d hang out with and like one day we had a brain-fart and like decided to get our old ladies and see like how many we could get (and I do mean…get) in an elevator. Yup. Like ended up to be about like twenty all totaled up – like nekkid and oiled to the max you know. Like I’m thinking that gives me a leg up on like knowing capacity shit and all, let alone like having experience in some of the weird –ass positions you must get into fixing those bastards.

Soooo….with me, you like get all this and…MORE. Like I mean…I’m an idea man too you know. I’ve been like thinking…who says elevators need to only go up and down? I mean like where is that written you know? Like my idea is this – you know some huge-ass buildings have like huge-ass floors? Why not elevate like…from SIDE to SIDE too??!! HA! I bet you folks like feel pretty damn stoopid now for not thinking of this on your own, eh? Dude…in a couple of years I’ll be like running your fucking company with ideas like this. I’m a-thinking you give me like the tools (sledgehammer probably all I need to start) and a shit-pot full of money (no accuntants – that’s what I call them – please ‘cause I like don’t never like to leave no trails) and I’ll fix y’all right up. Don’t you be like stealing this idea of mine now or I’ll like come over there and bust your shit right up.

Anyhow, like I decided to go for this job since there ain’t shit on TV anymore and I like figure what the hey…it could be like fun ya know. Like I mean I’ve seen enough movies and TV to know it’s like got to be a trip like crawling and hangin’ from those shafts and all and like dodging those bastards screaming down on you from time to time. I mean like what’s the worst that can happen to you – you bust your shit up and the company like pays you like big bucks for the rest of your fucking life in like workman’s comp. Like that ain’t a bad gig at all (at least that’s what Billy tells me).

Now…let’s like talk money and time. Like, dude, I need whole lots of money ‘cause I like wanna buy lots of cool shit. I’m like pretty flexible with time. Like not before 10:00 though ‘cause I sleep-in and like I have to be off by 4:00 ‘cause that’s like when Happy Hour starts. Like no weekends neither – that’s like when I really get my groove on. But other than that…I’m like yours (with like an hour for lunch of course and like six weeks paid vacation – to start).

Guess that’s like it for now. We can like chill some together when you like give me my first paycheck. So…like call me dudes.

Feel me?

Chris Palmer (aka Elevator Man)

P.S. Hey…I like know too about damn government bullshit. They like made you say wimmin could aply too, eh? I mean like wimmin can work with these bastards – HA!! Tell ya what I know…like wimmin are good for like only one thing – we all know that – and like some ain’t even worth a shit at that. So…if the damn government like made you take some…tell you what I’ll do…like leave any wimmin who are busting your balls with me and I’ll bitch-slap ‘em for ya. No extra charge (I kinda like doin’ that…so do the wimmin even if they play like they don’t).

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I did offer her a second letter too, but it’s not nearly as…attractive.