Monday School: Things the Bible forbids…

At the start of a new week that means it’s time for Monday School! Still the “Rational Corrective To All That Nonsense They Tried To Teach You Yesterday!”

Today we’re looking at something I’ve found rather humourous over the last several months while working on the new book. Christians are infamous for cherry picking their holy book, clinging to scripture that appeals to them while at the same time quietly disregarding the other parts they don’t like. Many people fail to realize how staggering the hypocrisy of this really is. Either this is the work of God through and through or it’s not. There is no middle ground… either you follow every word of it, or you finally admit the obvious truth: that the bible is nothing more than a man made work of fiction.

So for everyone’s enjoyment, here is a list of things that most Christians are likely unaware is forbidden by the bible, but they’re likely doing anyway. So to repeat that, this is a list of things that many Christians do all the time, but they are unware that their own holy book says they’re not supposed to be doing it… at all.

So here we go:

1. Eating A Ham Sandwich

Lunch time? How about a little pork on rye with a slice of cheddar? According to Leviticus 11:7-8, that’s a big no-no:

“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.

Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.”

So all those regular hotdogs, porkchops and even bacon… a big fat hell no according to the word of God.

2. Getting a Tattoo:

Thinking of getting the Superman insignia on your bicep or having a cross or your favorite bible quote on your back? Leviticus seems to also have a problem with that as 19:28 clearly states:

“Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”

3. Rounded Haircuts

Thinking of going to the stylist to get that latest trend? I think some of you guys are really going to hate Leviticus, because it also has a problem with how people does their hair. 19:27 lets you know where the bible stands on hair style:

“Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.”

4. Men With Injured Or Cut Off Private Parts Entering Houses Of God

Imagine you’re unfortunate to get hit in the jewels or worse, you’d think the one place you’d be able to seek shelter and help from would be your local parish, right? Wrong. This time the insult to injury comes to you care of Deuteronomy 23:1 which states:

“He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.”

5. Consulting Psychics

Have you ever had your palm read? Or maybe you’ve consulted your horoscope for a little guidance? Once again Leviticus is the book harping on us again in 19:31 commands:

“Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.”

6. Gossiping

Heard some juicy news about Katherine in the accounting department? Can’t wait to tell your BFF that you just read that Snooki is pregnant? Once again Leviticus 19:16 is the book that tells you that every piece of intel you’re passing around isn’t allowed:

“Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.”

7. Wives Helping Out Their Husbands In A Fight

Here we go guys, if you ever get in a fight and you get the feeling your lady might jump in and lend you a hand by squeezing your opponent’s… ahem… “secrets,” you’d better stop her. This time Deuteronomy 25:11-12 tags in:

“When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets.

Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.”

Seriously? Cutting off someone’s hand for revealing a secret? I don’t know about you, but Deuteronomy is a tad harsh here…

8. Children Cursing Their Parents

Forget parents, it’s the kids that just don’t understand! While you never know what’s going to come out of their mouths, hopefully your child doesn’t curse you because Exodus 21:17 forbids it:

“And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.”

9. Getting Remarried After Getting Divorced

When it comes to the Bible, this is a pretty big no-no, but even this one has a loop hole. Unless your spouse was cheating on you, Mark 10:11-12 clearly forbids it:

“Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.”

10. Working On The Sabbath

In our fast-paced society, does anyone really work Monday to Friday from 9-5? Exodus 31:14-15 states:

“Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people.

Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.”

11. Women Speaking In Houses Of God

Headed to church, ladies? Hope you don’t want to say anyting there because 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 has a real beef with that:

“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.

And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.”

So not only can they not speak to the congregation, but they are not permitted to speak at all. A shame none of the ladies seem to follow this one, eh?

12. Eating Shrimp, Lobster, And Other Assorted Seafood

This is one that I had a lot of fun writing about in the book. Most Christians don’t realize this when craving a big bowl of popcorn shrimp.. which is actually quite funny.

Once again Leviticus is back as section 10-11 states the following about most of the Red Lobster menu:

“And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:

They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.”

13. Losing Your Virginity Before You Get Married

Today it might be harder to find a bride who is a virgin rather than the other way around. Deuteronomy strikes again in 22:20-21:

“But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:

Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.”

So the only question I have for devout Christians is this: if you truly believe the bible is the work of God, do you follow all of these rules or just cherry pick like many other Christians that reside in North America? Why or why not?

Some people have tried to come back and state that they don’t follow the rules of Leviticus, but that’s the same section (in fact the only part of both the new and old testaments) that comdemns homosexuality. People have no problem using Leviticus when it talks ill of something they don’t approve of yet seem to ignore the rest of the rules set out in the same book.

Denial anyone?

Peter