Monday School: Crazy things that are in the bible

All the kiddies are back in school… so it’s time for us to crack the books again as well. It’s time once again for Monday School! More of that ‘Rational Corrective To All That Nonsense You Learned Yesterday!’

Today is going to be like show and tell. And entry where we’ll review something I am sure that a lot of Atheists are aware of, but shockingly enough… not many Christians are. People continuously ask myself and countless other Atheists to read the bible. That reading this book will explain everything to us and show us the way. Unfortunately, reading the bible only did one thing; reaffirm our decision to stay away from fairy tales and gods that do not exist. This is why many atheists know their bible, it’s one of the leading reasons why we think its bullshit; we’ve actually read the damn thing!

To emphasize this point, I’m going to repost a list of things that the bible says that I’m sure a good handful of Christians are unaware is inside the book they claim to worship. If they are aware of it, these Christians merely choose to ignore it despite the belief that this book is the word of their God. This form of ‘cherry picking’ is quite common among American Christians, something that Atheists find very ironic. They keep insisting that we read their book when its clear they don’t follow the rules or have even read the book themselves… not completely.

1. Cannabalism: Eat the kids

Deuteronomy 28:53 says: “Then because of the dire straits to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you.”

When your home is under siege, it’s kind of hard to walk down to the 7/11 and pick up a few munchies and a slurpy. So according to the Bible, the book people like to call their moral cold, when supplies get low… you should eat your children.

Why does the bible have so many stories that involve eating kids?!

2. Assault is for women, not men

Genesis 19:8: “Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof.”

That’s pretty straight forward to me. If someone comes to your house and insists on causing trouble, you should give him your virgin daughters because handing over one of your guests to be assaulted is bad manners in the eyes of God. Notice how the scripture never mentions anything about giving the bad people your sons? More sexism from the alleged moral code.

3. No mixing fibrics.

Leviticus 19:19 clearly states: “Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.”

I’d like to give you a moment or two to check your labels.

90% cotton/10% rayon?

Congratulations, you’re a sinner!

I’m sure many of you were were that bad fashion was a crime — just not against God and was allegedly punishable by eternal damnation.

4. Not a virgin? Prepare to get stoned!

And by stoned, the bible isn’t referring to passing you a joint.

Deuteronomy 22:20-21 states: “But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die.”

What this basically says is if your husband isn’t your first, you’re in for trouble. Hard, stony trouble to be exact.

That’s a high price to pay for a little premarital fun.

5. All Shellfish is out.

A lot of my Christian friends still can’t believe this when I mention it to them. They can’t believe that 90% of the menu at Red Lobster is an abomination to their God, but it is.

Leviticus 10-11 states: “And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.”

So anything that doesn’t have fins or scales is an abomination to God and shouldn’t be eaten. That means shrimp, scallops, mussels, lobster, crabs are forbidden by the bible. While I understand shellfish is delicious — especially when covered with butter… but rules are rules and according to Leviticus, shellfish is out!

6. No talking in Church ladies.

Once again, sexism in the Church front and center for all to see:

1 Corinthians 14:34-35 states: “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.”

So what the bible says if you’re a woman and you find yourself in a church; shut the hell up.

Have questions about the sermon? Too bad.

The Bible does however say that you’re allowed to ask your husband when you get home. That is, after you’ve cleaned the house, did the laundry, made dinner and put the kids to bed.

7. You must respect the Sabbath.

Working on Sundays can get you killed:

Exodus 31:14-15 states: “Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people.”

That means no working on Sunday — ever.

Break this rule and you can be put to death.

The irony of this statement is that priests, popes and pretty much everyone who preaches the word of God, does it on a Sunday. How many of them have been put to death?

Try e-mailing this passage to your boss the next time they try to lure you into weekend work. I also think this applies to chores around the house too.

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8. You can only get married once.

Based on the divorce rates in the US, this one isn’t take to seriously as well.

Yet it’s right there in Mark 10:11-12 which states: “Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.”

So according to the Bible, there are no do-overs in marriage. None what so ever. If you get married again, you’re committing adultery. That’s certainly a broader definition than we’re used to.

9. No “Squeezing” a Man’s “Secrets”

“When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets/Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.” -Deuteronomy 25:11-12.

Well that’s just… bizarre.

According to this, wives aren’t allowed to help their husbands in a fight by squeezing the other guys’ “secrets”. If she does, he’s got to cut your hand off. That seems a little bit extreme. But squeezing a man’s “secrets” is bad form so…

10. No Gossip Girls Allowed in the Kingdom of Heaven

Leviticus is at it again. 19:16 clearly states: “Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.”

This just put a lot of us — and all of our favorite magazines — on the Bible’s “naughty” list.

We’re not sure what “standing against the blood of thy neighbor means”… but I’m sure a lot of good Christians are ignorantly guilty of that too.

11. Fortune Tellers Want to Defile You

That pesky book Leviticus 19:31 reads: “Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.”

Thinking about having your palm read? The Bible doesn’t think that you should.

Looks like wizards made the list too. That’s a lot of Hogwarts acceptance letters that are going to have to go right back.

12. No groin injuries in Heaven?

Deuteronomy 23:1 states: “No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the Assembly of God.”

That seems oddly specific. We had no idea that the Bible was quite so concerned about our junk.

But this is pretty clear; if you’ve been the unfortunate victim of a groin accident, there’s more bad news. You’re not going to get into heaven.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

13. No haircuts for you!

“Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.” – Leviticus 19:27

Who knew that the Bible was so into long hair and beards?

That means hippies, hipsters and beard enthusiasts are going to get a front row in heaven! I’m sure that’s not how most Christians pictured it at all.

14. All tattoos and piercings are forbidden

“Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.” – Leviticus 19:28

I’m sure that this point, a lot of Christians reading this are none too impressed with Leviticus.

God stamps his name at the end, so you know he’s means business.

Do religious tattoos get a pass? Or are they extra blasphemous because the Bible already said not to do it?

15. Pork is not allowed to be consumed

Thought eating pork was just something that only Jews and Muslims weren’t allowed to do? Think again Christians:

“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.”

“Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.”

– Leviticus 11:7-8

Surprise! Pork isn’t allowed by the bible either. You’re not supposed to be digging on swine as the good book says. Football players who are touching the ‘pigskin’ are also sinning against God too.

So when you see someone in the South, smoking a pig but to make some delicious pulled pork sandwiches… all that guy is doing (according to the bible) is punching a ticket to hell.

This means eating pork chops, those small ribs you like eating at the Chinese buffet and yes… BACON are all sins against your God. Despite this rule which couldn’t be more clear, millions of self proclaimed people of God are scarfing down their bacon with eggs at breakfast.

I’m sure at this point, many Christians are ready to toss out Leviticus and be done with it. However, Leviticus is the only part of bible (both new and old testament) that condemns homosexuality. This is why I find it hilarious that the same people who are condemning homos and their lifestyle are the same hypocrites that are eating shellfish and pork and have a tattoo on their arm.

And Christians still wonder why Atheists have a hard time accepting the word of God. Apparently Christians have a hard time accepting as we witness many of them ignorantly breaking God’s alleged laws rules right, left and center.

So here is my question for those who claim to be God fearing Christians: Why is it that most Christians in North America (and possibly you as well) choose not to follow the rules listed above when it’s clearly dictated by your own God?

I look forward to reading your answer.

Peter