Indy and the Kingdom of the Golden Raspberries

This is going to by ugly, and I mean bowling shoe ugly.

Earlier this week, I went with Leah and my parents to check out the latest installment of the Indiana Jones saga titled ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls’. The long awaited (as in 19 years since the last Indy film) has been the film many fans have been dying to see… and for many of us, we are still waiting. The film I saw this week was not the film I wanted to see. This movie was so horrible and utter disasterous, it made Temple of Doom look like Oscar material and that used to me my least favorite of the series. Now I have a whole new respect for that film. I used to think Doom was the most unrealistic film of the franchise, but now there is a new heir to the throne… as Kingdom of the Crystal Skull takes the cake and is clearly the most absurd film to ever bear the name Indiana Jones.

Before I go any further with my comments, I want to let you know from this point on there are spoilers. In order to really vent out my clear frustration over why this movie blew serious chunks and is clearly going to be the biggest disappointment of 2008… I have to really get into the nitty gritty. So if you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want details of the film to be spoiled, stop reading here and move on. You’ve been warned. OK?

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Seriously, there are spoilers a coming up!

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I mean it, big time spoilers!

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Ok, here we go:

Right from the opening scene, we are giving a hit of what kind of direction this film is going to take. I liked the music, and have no problem with the Paramount logo fading into a gopher mound, but during production Spielberg & Co. have been banging on about how little CGI was used because they wanted it to be as faithful to the originals as possible. To therefore open the film with a stupid CGI gopher was an instant insult and set the scene and let me know this film was going to be packed with pointless CGI (gophers, monkeys, aliens, you name it) throughout from start to finish.

We see the Lost Ark. Please credit the fans with enough intelligence to know the warehouse was supposed to be the same one shown at the end of Raiders. We don’t need to see the Ark box being smashed open. This was the first thing that suggested to me that the film’s direction was heavy-handed. It certainly proved to be throughout the film.

The needless sword fight scene on trucks was utterly stupid, ESPECIALLY because Mutt’s bollocks were continually being cracked with branches and shrubs. He’d have fallen off after one second. Indy is supposed to be relatively funny, but this unwelcome slapstick would NEVER have been in a previous films, so why include it now? Do they really think today’s movie going audience has dumbed down that much over the years?

The Tarzan scene was so utterly disgraceful that I felt the urge to leave the cinema. We all know Indy films feature unlikely events (like the jumping mine car from Temple) but there was always the possibility that these things might just be able to happen. Yet here we have a clueless young thug, swinging at speeds of up to 50mph, it seems, with the power to overtake motor vehicles and also the ability to make animals do his bidding. This is NOT a stupid children’s TV show, so what the hell was it all about?

John Hurt is SO BAD in this film. I was amazed to read that out of all the major players, Hurt asked to read the script first. That he still decided to waste his talents in playing a role so obviously beneath him beggars belief. I would have thought twice about accepting such a role. That he took it suggests he may actually be mad himself. If I was Mr. Hurt, I would fire my agent for taking this gig without screening the script first… asap!

The relationships between the characters are so weak. Yes, there’s not a hint of the tempestuous love between Indy & Marion in Raiders, but also no relationship epiphany between father and son that made Last Crusade such compelling viewing. Marion has nothing to do but bicker with Indy. The caliber of their arguing is at par with bad 80’s sitcoms. Indy and Mac never showed any sign of having any previous relationship, and the old college Dean was entirely unsympathetic and devoid of charm, a mere shadow of Marcus Brody, as indeed this whole film was a mere shadow of all other Indy adventures.

Indy’s character has changed. Never more exemplified in the appalling ‘dry sand’ scene where Indy starts lecturing Mutt on the difference between dry sand and quick sand. When asked about it, the old Indy would have said something like: ‘It’s quite complicated, so you better get me out or you’ll never get to hear it!’ in his usual get me the frig out of here sarcastic style. Where was the urgency? He actually didn’t have any good one-liners. The script-writers betrayed Indy. Why did Harrison let it happen? I guess he just did it for the 50 million dollar paycheck and didn’t really care about anything else…

The characters didn’t seem in the least surprised by what they were seeing at the end. If I saw a colossal UFO emerging from the ground and vanishing, even if I’d been through the entire adventure with them, I’d have been screaming: ‘What the HELL is going on here?’ Instead they simply accept everything, including Hurt/Oxley’s pathetic explanation as to where they’ve gone.

The aliens themselves can’t have been all powerful, because in spite of all the futuristic technology supposedly available to them, the guardians they left behind (sleeping natives) were still only armed with pea shooters and sticks and had no means of protecting themselves! Perhaps I’ve misread this scene, and the natives weren’t guardians of the secret temple. But if so, they served ZERO PURPOSE in the film.

The main villain is more Russian accent than bad guy. Her accent is so thick and her hair is so hot, it’s too distracting. You loose track of a lot of the scenes and forget where you are.

Indy survives an atomic blast at GROUND ZERO. How so you ask? By hiding in a fridge that lead lined! How fucking ridiculous is that? That’s the kind of unrealistic bullshit I would expect to see Jason Statham do on screen in a Transporter movie, not from an Indy film. Last time I checked ground zero of a nuclear blast goes to 10,000 degrees in less then 3 seconds. Nothing will survive that, let alone a fridge.

The character of Mac was especially annoying. “I’m your friend! Now, I’m your enemy! No, I’m your friend again! Just kidding, I’m a BAD GUY! I’m your friend, help me!” Nuff said…

Was I the only one to think that poison tipped darts would only be poisonous on ONE side. And who were those guys anyway?!

Now we get to what is supposed to be the go to chase scene through the jungle. The chase through the jungle on trucks is completely incomprehensible! The first vehicle that gets destroyed is the machine that clears the trees. Once that’s gone, where are all the roads coming from?! Then our heroes not only survive driving a truck off a cliff, but they also come out unscathed from not one, not two, but THREE massive waterfalls!!! I know we’re sometimes supposed to go with the flow but this is clearly pushing it… especially after the whole fridge/nuclear debacle.

The Temple of Akator supposedly can only be entered through a secret way. But what was wrong with that massive entrance they ran out of? It didn’t even have a DOOR! Then we have useless & pointless natives hiding in the walls. So they just sit there concealed behind rock for centuries to wait for trespassers?

John Williams score. A lazy, tired rehash of the “Raiders” soundtrack, and some “Last Crusade”. I can’t remember a single original piece from the new movie. Everything in this film was a rip from the last three movies… he just did his thing, took his money and ran. Not like he had much to work with. I wouldn’t feel very inspired given the crap story line he had to work with.

There’s no mystery about proceedings. At least with Raiders and Crusade, although you knew you were seeing God’s powers at work, it was at least open to interpretation. But this time the heavy-handed director rammed the alien element so firmly down the audience’s throat that I wanted to find him wherever he was in the world and merrily throttle him. How about NOT having the 13 skeletons morph into a living alien? How about NOT actually showing a flying saucer in its entirety? Perhaps instead showing a suggestion of something large and unearthly disappear into a flash of light (the other dimension). This would have led the characters and the audience to be able to rightfully keep an open mind on what they were seeing rather than being spoon-fed pseudo-Close Encounters of the Third Kind MUSH.

At no stage did I ever fear for Indy’s life. This is such a mistake and makes me hate Spielberg and Lucas. Remember in Temple when he was certain to die in the spike-filled room with the lowering ceiling? That was actually tense. Likewise the snake pit, or the truck chase scenes from Raider, or the tank sequence in Crusade when Indy was in peril in every second. What did we have here? Endlessly dull chase sequences, completely non-threatening baddies and a freaking sinking sand moment, which was the least frightening situation I’ve ever seen a movie hero placed in. Don’t even start me on the snake!

All right… I think you get the point. This movie blows massive chunks and is clearly the frontrunner to be the biggest disappointment of the summer (Speedracer can breathe easy now). There are some movies where a critic would suggest you have to check your brain in at the door in order for you to enjoy it, but in order to even get past the atrocities of this film… you have to leave it at home and leave it unplugged for at least half a week to not be affected by the CGI crap that has cleared ruined a great film franchise. I haven’t seen a sequel spoil a series this horribly since Batman & Robin. I’d rather watch that movie again before seeing this one again… yes, it’s that bad. Check it out if you dare, just don’t come crying to me after it’s all said and done because I warned ya, big time!

Peter