Boston Legal on Absinence vs. Condoms

Since abstinence has become a sudden hot topic, I was quickly reminded of a Boston Legal episode that aired last September. I’m a huge fan of this David E. Kelly and this episode proved beyond a resonable doubt why it’s one of smartest shows on television. Written by Kelly himself, abstinence was the issue that was front and center and the main case of the episode. The main character of the show (Alan Shore) was representing a young teenager who was suing her school for teaching an abstinence only program which she felt made her unprepared for the real dangers of sex. As a result of being unprepared, she didn’t get pregnant… instead she became H.I.V positive. The following is the closing arguments of that case, made by both sides for and against abstinence only programs in schools. Have a gander…

Peter

Adam Jovanka: Your Honor, I think we all agree that fifteen is too young to be having sex. Is there anyone here who takes issue with that? Sometimes, when the right answer is “no” you say no. You don’t start tinkering with morality to coincide with logistics. Kids need to hear “no” not “here’s how, just in case” but “no”. Abstinence was the right answer here. If she hadn’t had sex, she wouldn’t be H.I.V. positive. And even if you are so determined to opt for pragmatism, abstinence is still the right answer. Since the implementation of this policy, the teen pregnancy rate has gone down 30%. More and more kids are choosing not to have sex. And that’s good. Whether they get sick or pregnant or not. And if parents disagree, by the way, they can choose to teach their kids about condoms and birth control pills and diaphragms. But once the school starts doing so, come on, you’re implicitly telling the kids it’s expected of them to be sexually active. And many start doing so because they feel all their friends are. Sure, we can pass out condoms. But it is simply more responsible, more moral and yes, more safe to practice abstinence. That’s what we should be telling them. And this school is.

Adam returns to his table and sits down, Alan stands up

Alan Shore: This case isn’t about teenage pregnancy. She didn’t get pregnant. She got H.I.V. I can see why you would want to make it about teenage pregnancy, since, well, actually I can’t. The United States had the worst teen pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation. And contrary to what Mr. Jovanka would like us to believe, there is no evidence whatsoever that suggests using condoms or teaching students about condoms makes them any more inclined to have sex. None. They’re already inclined to have sex and have been since early puberty. They’re simply going to do it, we all do it. Birds do it, bees do it. Educated fleas do it. One day, Your Honor even you…

Slamming of a gavel.

Alan Shore: Yes, the fact is this case has nothing to do with the efficacy of abstinence only programs. This case is about religion, politics and federal funding. Our present administration, in blind service to the religious right, has transcended the separation of Church and State and consistently implemented a faith-based political and moral mandate. And now that same policy has been passed on to our educational system. If schools teach abstinence only, they get federal funding. If they teach any other type of sex education, they don’t. And as a result, the students in these abstinence only programs aren’t being taught the truth about that magnificent technological marvel, the condom. That’s not a dirty word, Your Honor. Condoms.

Judge slams gavel again.

Alan Shore: They first came on the scene some 3,000 years ago in Egypt. For centuries they wert merrily along in modified forms warding off syphilis, gonorrhea, preventing unplanned pregnancies, until science and medicine eventually caught up and the pill became a much more effective, less intrusive contraceptive. Penicillin and other antibiotics were miracle cures for gonorrhea and syphilis. The poor humble condom languished. And then came AIDS… this terrifying new disease that panicked the world. For many years, it has been fatal, gruesomely so in every case. There was no vaccine, no cure, no treatment. But there were condoms, and they worked! They were safe, time-tested, easy to use, and they protected both partners. The condom is arguably the single most important invention of the past 2,000 years. In fact, it has been said without exaggeration that the health of the world depends on them. Now one would think that the obvious choice would be for schools to tell their students as much. But Abby’s school… indeed all schools, that teach abstinence only, have chosen to lie. They teach that condoms are ineffective at preventing pregnancies, which is a lie. They teach that condoms are ineffective at prevent disease, which is a lie. Some of the literature actually compares using a condom to playing Russian Roulette, which is a frightening, despicable, unforgivable lie!

Alan turns and smiles at Abigail.

Alan Shore: Abby Hold has H.I.V., which in all likelihood will develop into AIDS. We’ve sort of forgotten about AIDs in this country. Treatments have improved dramatically. Drugs are keeping people alive for many years after they become infected. But the Grim Butcher’s bill for this pandemic still keeps growing and growing. 65 million people worldwide have become infected. One time unprotected sex can kill you. A condom can save you. It is inconceivable, that every child in the world isn’t taught that. We should be in criminal court this very moment, trying this obscenely duplicitous school for conspiracy to commit murder. Ah. But frankly, I have no stomach for that. I think of the horror that has been inflicted on this fifteen year old girl, and I’m just so profoundly sad. I can point out the evils of this corrupt system. I can tell you have effective condoms are, the lives they save and on and on and on and… but words seem to be these hollow, useless things rattling around in this courtroom. Because ultimately the lies this school told Abby Holt may… will probably kill her. They have certainly altered her life forever. And in the face of that, all I can think of is … why?

Alan sits down next to Lorraine, speaking quietly to Lorraine.

Alan Shore: I give long closings.