Jamais Vu

Ive seen her again.  Steph.  I can’t remember if I’ve censored her name before but I don’t give a shit now.  No one I know reads this damned thing.  I came across her MySpace page as I was looking for people I once knew in high school.  It is undoubtedly her.  Seeing her face again, as if it was the first time…that feeling.

I wish to contact her.  More than anything in my life at this point.  But I fear the encounter.  Granted it appears she has moved to another state, even the thought of talking with her online or in a phone conversation is terrifying.

…what makes you think she even wants to know you anymore…

I don’t know that, but…is that something I should be concerned with?  I mean, we were friends for a few years…is that long enough to be a long lost buddy?

From the one pic that Ive seen of her…she still looks as good as she was when she lived here.  I wonder what type of person she is now.  Thoughts of regrets come flooding back…my body…my mind…confusion.

What did I have?  What did we have? Could it have been more than friendship? 

…it doesnt fucking matter anymore…

But I still can’t let go.  The past is all I have because it was the only thing that came automatically…but when you float along for so long you eventually get stuck in dead water, as I am now.  It all came without effort, even she came along without me rowing my vessel.  And because of my lack of locomotion she floated on by in such a short time.

So is this another chance to reconnect with someone I cared about so long ago, or is this an obsession that has come to fruition?

I feel even less of a person since I have last seen her…I have no friends, I’m increadibly out of shape, and I don’t do anything fun anymore..and its all my fault, all of my own doing.  By my hand I have become what I am.

Must meditate on the next step…