I feel heavy/Holding lead unable to let go

My body, feels slow…weighed down.  I can’t keep from slouching, I move in slow motion.  My Uncle passed on Thursday…it was a mild evening.  Afflicted with sugar diabetes and an infection in his foot, doctors decided to go ahead with what was supposed to be a triple bypass heart surgery…which ended up a quintuple bypass surgery.  For the uninitiated, thats five (5) bypasses.  Fucking doctors.  I want to blame them, but can I really?  I don’t know the full story.

I wasn’t too close to him…fucking doctors…he lived hundreds of miles away, in another state.  Guess that doesn’t mean that I could have called…I could have.  I had just seen him last summer.  He looked like hell, but was as I had remembered him.  He still had that same tone and inflection to his voice.  Very familliar…no not familliar, distinct.  I can still hear it.  But I was not close to him…fucking doctors.  I hate, but it may be misdirected.  What step in coping with loss is this?  Need to google that later…fucking doctors.

So I wander, my coworkers unaware of my burden, today as I work hard to try hard to forget this loss…this loss of someone I really didn’t have much of a relationship with…yet still mourn.  What to do with this sadness.

I can’t even attend his funeral.  I have to watch my beloved grandmother, stricken with the onset of alzheimers.  Just a couple days before he passed, she was in the hospital complaining of chest pains.  It turned out to be acid reflux, or so they say…fucking doctors.   But her blood pressure was low, and it needs to be monitored, we feel she shouldn’t be stressed by travel.  So I watch her, because my parents can’t.

No pity…I don’t want it…I don’t need it…