Unforeseen Consequences?

In life, we have to understand that our actions have consequences.  Sometimes we anticipate these consequences, while at other times, we don’t readily see them coming.  Either way, consequences are always lurking about, be they positive or negative.  Regardless, they’re there.

When Serena made the decision to change our dynamic some weeks ago now, I want to say that she had a pretty good idea as to what that meant to her and what that would entail on her end.  What I don’t think she considered was how I might react and respond to everything that she had implemented, which now leaves her in a position where she has to cope with things, as I have established them.  I know that she genuinely thought that things weren’t going to change THAT much, but after putting some thought into it this past weekend, I realized that there was no reason why she ought to be the only one to suddenly throw changes into the mix.  Why can’t I impose some of my own changes?  Things changed on her end, leaving me in a spot where I’m left playing defense.  Turnabout is fair play, right?

For several months, she had me by her side to ensure that she was productive and efficient.  I was her protector and ensured her safety as well.  Now, that’s all gone.

She’ll have to find other people in whom she can find that same level of security.  I can’t readily vouch for her productivity, but suffice to say that she will have to find her way on her own.  She’s already connected with other people in that office, so I imagine that she’s already progressing on her own, as far as making other social connections.  Now, I refuse to help her do her work, especially when it comes to the written stuff.  She’ll have to do that on her own too, because it is no longer worthwhile to take time away from my own work to help her with hers.  I’ve taught her as much as I was willing to teach her.  She opted not to spend time with me, dissolve what we had, and otherwise diminish our friendship to almost an exclusively professional/business kind of relationship and that’s fine.  I know that I can deal with this, because I have no choice but to accept and keep things moving.  She, on the other hand, will have to adjust to not having me to help her as I once did.

I don’t want to say that she had it all when she and I were a team, but I know that now, with the way that things have changed, she won’t have that safety net that she once had because I simply don’t feel like assuming that role anymore.  She can’t expect to have me be that same person as before, with all of the changes that she’s implemented.  There’s no more reward for me.  It’s all work and I don’t want to subject myself to that.  I have my own work to do.  Since Serena and I parted ways, I’ve rediscovered my way and I’m productive like I once was years ago, even before Jackie left last April.

She had even blocked my personal cell number, leaving us with only our work cell phones to use for communication.  Why bother?  Friends don’t do that shit to each other.  For better or worse, I don’t use my work cell phone all that often anyway, so it stands to reason that we’re just not going to communicate anywhere near as often as we used to.  I can’t worry about whether she reaches out to me, because that’s not our dynamic anymore.

I bumped into her today and even the small talk comes off as phony.  She asked me which team I was rooting for in the Super Bowl this year.  I told her, as I’ve been telling everyone who has asked me so far, that I don’t care who wins because my team (Cincinnati) isn’t in it and it doesn’t matter being that I don’t care for Kansas City or San Francisco.  I rarely watch the Super Bowl as it is.  She tried to appeal to the 49ers color scheme, as she was mistakenly convinced that their red and gold is somehow a close match to my alma mater’s (USC) colors of cardinal and gold.  Rest assured that the conversation doesn’t flow as it once did and again, it all feels forced.  I know she doesn’t give it a shit about the NFL, so that whole Super Bowl nonsense from her just didn’t fit.  She is well aware that I went to USC, though I try to remain humble about it.  Still, she and I both know that her alma mater will never hold a candle to USC, though I don’t make a big deal out of it.

I don’t know where I was going with all of this.  All I know is that I’m looking to make some changes of my own and she’ll have to deal with whatever those changes might be, just as I have to deal with the changes that she has implemented.  There’s no way in hell she could have envisioned that everything was just going to stay the same, that I was somehow going to take this downgraded relationship but yet, continue to be the same person I was before these changes went into effect.  I can’t do that.

You don’t get to relegate me to a background character and expect that things aren’t going to change.  I’m going to stay in the background, by myself, doing what I have to do to get things done.

Serena will have to figure out her own way, without me and everything that I once brought to the table.