Typical Diary Nonsense

Why doesn’t she like me?  She doesn’t even know I’m alive.  It’s not like she doesn’t see me.  After all, I weigh close to 300 pounds.  Ray Charles could see me.  What do I have to do to make her notice me?  Oh Diary, please help me through this difficult time.  Tell me what I should do.  I’m afraid that if I don’t say anything, I’m going to lose her.  She’s really pretty too.  I thought about her for most of the day, except when I went to the restroom those few times to take a dump.  And when I was eating lunch by myself at the lunch arbor.  Also, when I fell asleep in math and science class.  She was strolling and laughing with her friends as she walked from class to class.  She’s really smart.  She goes to class.  I don’t know if she does any work but she goes to class.  I hid in the bushes so she wouldn’t see me.  I don’t think she thought about me once today.  She’s really thin and she has a nice body.  I think that my left leg weighs about as much as she does. 

I eat a lot.  Sometimes I eat more than I should.  I can’t help it.  I’m addicted to bologna.  If it weren’t for bologna and that girl, I’d have no reason to live.  At least the bologna knows I exist.  If only there was some way I could get her to notice me.  Maybe I could pack her an extra bologna sandwich in my Batman lunch box?  What if she doesn’t like bologna though?  Hmmm, then that would mean an extra sandwich for me, wouldn’t it?  I think I’ll just start packing two sandwiches instead of one, even if she doesn’t like bologna.  Even if she does like bologna, I’ll still pack an extra sandwich for myself.  Bologna is good.  I don’t know what it’s made of, but it’s good.  I think Mexicans like to mix it in with their scrambled eggs.   

I think she caught me staring at her towards the end of the school day.  Maybe she thinks I’m a pervert now?  She was walking by herself and I think she noticed the bushes moving.  I really need to stop hiding in bushes.  Those thorns are starting to hurt and I think I’m going to blow my cover soon.  She always smells nice, like one of those pine tree car air fresheners.  I like those car air fresheners.  They remind of my mom’s car, the one that doesn’t start unless you turn the key after someone gives it a good push while in neutral.  I’d probably drive the other car though (the one with the yellow tire boot on it), when I take her out on a date.  The girl, I mean, not mom.  I’d take her out to eat somewhere, some place really nice too.  Maybe someplace that has a gumball machine out front, right next to one of those horses that you can ride on for a quarter?  Well, you don’t need a quarter to ride it, but the manager at Wal-Mart gets mad when you don’t.   

She doesn’t know I exist though.  She thinks I’m creepy because of my hunchback and my orthopedic shoe, like the ones Forrest Gump used to wear.  Run Forrest, run!  I don’t run in my orthopedic shoes though.  I don’t like running in general.  Or maybe she doesn’t see me because I walk with a limp, like I were this pimp from the 70’s who never mastered walking upright?  Or perhaps it’s because my family is poor?  Being poor sucks because you have to learn how to eat ramen noodles without water and drink Kool-Aid without any added sugar.  One time, I almost choked on a pack of ra

men noodles when I took too big of a bite.  The shards of noodles damn near cut the inside of esophagus.  I hear that ramen noodles are good when you put them in water and that the noodles don’t shred your esophagus on the way down. 

Oh Diary, what can I do?  Please help me.  I’m a fat lump of a boy but I deserve some loving too.  I also deserve bologna, lots and lots of bologna.