The Words They Say
On 11/27/24, I wrote the following entry.
https://www.opendiary.com/m/peripheral_visionary/the-same-except-different-6300705/
Feel free to read it yourself, if you like. Doing so might make reading this current entry easier.
In that late November post, I expressed some curiosity as to whether two sentences are in fact saying/meaning the same thing. For those of you who didn’t read my original post, here are the two sentences referenced in that post.
–I don’t need you.
–I don’t need your help.
I question whether these two sentences are essentially the same thing.
Through the years, I’ve been referred to as a wordsmith. This label has been bestowed upon me, most commonly, in the workplace because people tend to read my writing and I suppose they like what they see. I have a way with words. My typical speech is hardly bland and I speak and write especially well. Maybe I don’t want to say that the way that I talk just exudes intelligence, but know that when people first meet me and start conversing with me, it’s clear that I’m not dumb. Perhaps in speaking the way I do, I might inadvertently confuse people or say things that others may not understand, because I don’t always use words that others might commonly use. Again, the concept of word choice might rear its ugly head and there it is.
I can’t readily pinpoint when my affinity for language and expression first came to be. At most, I can say that I didn’t feel this way about writing and expressing myself in general during my days in school. All this sort of came about well after I entered the workforce after college and had to incorporate writing as part of my means of making a living. My current job (and at least two previous jobs relied somewhat on my ability to write) requires that I write and that I write well. Actually, that’s not entirely true. The job would prefer that we all write well, but I guess it’s not written down anywhere that it is an actual requirement. I know for a fact that a lot of my co-workers write terribly, not only because I’ve seen it, but because I’ve been asked many times to correct and even redo some of what they have written because what they wrote was truly that bad. Maybe in that regard, I’m a “cleaner” or sometimes and more accurately, an “eraser”? But either way, I’m the one they call in when they need something said or written in a certain way.
I got sidetracked there for a second. Back to this post, I suppose, and back to the two sentences above…
As I see those two sentences, they are not the same.
The person who told me those sentences, in the same conversation mind you, was convinced that they were. They are not, at least, not to me.
–I don’t need you: I see this as being pretty cut and dry. Someone is telling you that they don’t need you, regardless of reason or capacity. You are of no use to you to them and they will not be calling upon or relying on you for anything or any reason. Negative? Indeed, it comes off that way. Yes, context and tone might change the way we hear this, but at face value, it is hardly anything positive and that’s how I took it.
–I don’t need your help: Now, this is a bit softer than the sentence above. It’s clearer and more concise. It’s not general or as vague as the first sentence. I hear this and I think, “Oh, they are okay on their own. They’ve got this (whatever “this” is)”. It could also come off as being conditional or momentary, but again, at face value, it is still harsh, but not as harsh as the sentence above.
I think I run into the problem of people talking and perhaps not putting as much thought into what they’re saying as I am when I’m hearing them. I am going to simplify this.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I suppose if I didn’t listen to others when they speak to me, then I wouldn’t become as frustrated as I do sometimes when people say things and I experience difficulty following their lines of logic. I like to understand what people are saying to me and when I don’t, I would prefer to be able to ask them, “Hey, what did you mean by that? I don’t think I understood that maybe the way you intended”.
Unfortunately, some people don’t always afford me that kind of flexibility and in the end, I’m left confused and befuddled. Maybe that’s my burden to bear? Maybe it just so happens that I want to understand my world and the people around me? I like things to make sense and when they don’t, I might be left in a spot where I am confused and maybe even frustrated, especially when the answers I seek are not readily available.
In closing this entry (and I think I got derailed somewhere because I’m not even entirely certain that what I’ve written here makes sense anymore), I will say that even though she told me that does not need me, I have decided to keep that door open. She might. I’ve learned that we all need help sometimes. I know that within myself, I don’t always ask for help when I might need it.
I guess in some way, I have convinced myself, be it right or wrong, that maybe, just maybe, one day she will need me again. As much as she despises me, the way that I think, and maybe even the way that I act, she knows that I’ll still be there for her.
How that makes me an asshole, I’ll never know. But still, I somehow retain that title.