The Last 24

That’s about as clever of a title as I could come up with.  I’m not feeling particularly creative right now.  I tried.   

I might be rambling here, but I’m not putting much thought into this.  I’m just writing what immediately comes to mind and I’m rolling with how I feel right now, as I reflect on the last 24 hours or so.  I don’t know.  I’m just typing and maybe in the process, I’m just thinking out loud, if you’ll pardon the expression.   

There is an entirely new reality that I now must accept and thus far, I think I am making this adjustment as best I can.  As I mentioned in my last post, I have to adjust to some major and significant changes in my relationship/friendship with Serena.  I have no control over any of this, except in the way that I adjust, adapt, and move forward from it all.  This lack of control makes things that much more challenging for me and it has not been easy.      

I am no longer a priority and to some degree, I have been relegated to being an afterthought.  The only time I become even the slightest consideration is when it is convenient and somehow, not a distraction for her. The way I see it, Serena has plenty of other options anyway, so it stands to reason that I would gradually fall by the wayside. She has a multitude of other friends and connections in that office anyway, to where I can easily be forgotten and that’s fine.  She has plenty of other people in our office with whom she can chit chat, so to some degree, this decreases my value.  Again, I have no control over any of this.   

Because of my affinity for writing and communicating through the written word, I see now that I have come to place way too much value on text messaging. Again, in that regard, I have become an afterthought, especially outside of the established business hours, as I mentioned in my last post. She couldn’t be troubled to respond to me and my text message and that’s fine. I can’t control that situation. Instead, I strive to move forward, as I have to force myself to lessen the value of text messaging. 

I don’t know if these new developments will eventually lead to my gradually being phased out, but I suppose I’ll need to prepare myself mentally for that possibility.  Again, this will be another situation I will be helpless to control.   

I am at peace with this newfound reality. Even if I wasn’t, I would need to get used to it and frankly, the sooner, the better, because the longer I take to accept all of this, the longer this entire healing process is going to take. 

I want to say that I was productive today, as Serena and I worked apart from each other, and I did what I needed to do.  I managed to get a lot done, a lot that I will now need to spend tomorrow and maybe Friday writing it all up.  I can’t let emotions get in my way in all this work stuff and I think I did a commendable job today.  As it is, I have no choice but to delve into my work and not let other things creep into my head.  If I do that, I know that I’ll be miserable and I’m useless at work if I let that happen.  There’s a certain level of focus that I need to maintain in order to get things done.    

I am still working through all of this and it continues to be a struggle.  I am also of the continued mindset that I have to be ready for more things that I may not be able to control.  I can’t predict what the future will hold or what other things might happen.  For all I know, she’ll add more changes to our friendship, more things to which I will have to adjust.  More things that I will not be able to change, question, or circumvent. 

Yup, life’s lack of predictability sucks and I’m experiencing it firsthand.  I have no choice but to move forward and just deal with it.