The Anti-Hero?

Yesterday, we said goodbye to Christopher in a memorial service at a church that I strongly suspect he had never ever set foot in.  Christopher was an atheist, and he was not bashful in sharing this nugget of information with others.  I don’t think he ever led with it, but I know that he was not afraid to make this disclosure.  The idea of even having his memorial in any kind of church setting was unexpected, but regardless of how or why things played out this way, I decided to go.  Being that I tend to be an introvert by nature, I had to overcome my natural tendency to shy away from social gatherings/interaction, all for the sake of bidding my friend farewell.  I like to think that Christopher and I were decent friends, though not the best of friends and that’s okay.  I don’t use the phrase “best friend” anyway.  Christopher and I shared our affinity for video games, comic book characters, and nerd culture in general.  Even as grown men, it was refreshing to see that not all of us abandoned our childhoods and what we liked as kids just because time passed and we got older, in a chronological sense.

There was a multitude of people who spoke at Christopher’s memorial, including family, co-workers, and even some of his college professors.  Aside from our co-workers and some of his family, I didn’t know many of the people who spoke or even who had attended.  Still, it seemed like everyone who spoke had something to say, all positive of course.  It seems to me that memorial services aren’t really the places where you want to bash and belittle the deceased, so I maintained decorum, as did the speakers and all in attendance.  As people spoke, as music played intermittently in between speakers, and seemingly for the duration of the 90-minute or so memorial, I thought about Christopher’s sudden passing and how it truly affected so many people.  I know that a lot of tears were shed yesterday and likely ever since he died on June 18.  I almost did, but I kept it together.  I tend not to cry in public.

One of the recurring themes that came up as people spoke about Christopher was how he was a hero to so many people, both in his personal and professional lives.  Hero.  I should have anticipated that this was going to be a theme, but I didn’t think too much of it before the memorial.  In fact, the family had requested that everyone in attendance wear a shirt with some kind of comic book character or superhero on it.  It didn’t matter who the character was, whether he or she was from the Marvel or DC Universe.  As long as you had a comic book character on your shirt, you were in compliance and proved that you can follow instructions.  Christopher was into Spider-Man and I was well-aware of this.  I suppose most people are, even those who don’t follow comics or the characters depicted in comics.  I’m a fan of the character, I suppose, but he’s definitely not my favorite comic character.  This distinction would go to The Punisher, whose trademark skull logo adorned my shirt.  When the dress code was announced, I already knew what (or who) I would be wearing that day.  Rest assured, there were plenty of Superman and Wonder Woman shirts to be seen. But as for The Punisher, I was it.  Most people don’t readily jump at the chance to wear The Punisher.  I did and will continue to do so.

Now, for perhaps those who know both Spider-Man and The Punisher, this entry probably wouldn’t need to be as long as it is, but because I am of the mindset that many people reading may not know both or either character, I will try to make this as clear and concise as I can.  Christopher was repeatedly likened to Spider-Man, in that like your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, Christopher always wanted to help others, do what’s right, and do as much as he could in his 47 years on this planet doing more good than harm.  Christopher was a good guy, a hero in his own right, I suppose.  Far be it for me to attempt to take that away from him.  He left his mark on a lot of people and indeed, he was remembered for it, as he should have.

Throughout the service, I thought about myself, as the comparisons between Christopher and Spider-Man continued.  I wondered, “When my time on Earth finally comes to an end, would I be remembered similarly, like a hero or as someone who wanted to help the world?”  I do not and have never seen myself in this light and don’t think that I ever will.  This is where The Punisher comes in.  Could I really say that my decision to wear The Punisher on my chest was unintentional?  Subconscious even?  I wore it because this is my favorite comic character and because for many years, I felt like him.  I don’t mean that I have any persistent desire to kill for the purpose of revenge or “punishment”.  I don’t want to be a vigilante in the traditional sense of roaming the streets, looking for trouble and wanting to get involved in diffusing a situation.  I do believe in the concept of revenge, or perhaps more clearly, this sense that people who do wrong will eventually get theirs when the time is right.

The Punisher is, for all intents and purposes, an anti-hero.  He does not want people to understand his motives for why he does what he does.  He keeps a very small social circle of connections.  Not friends, mind you, but more like “connections”.  These are people he trusts on some level, but who can also provide him some sort of service or use.  He keeps to himself and is essentially a loner.  In some ways, I look at The Punisher as an introvert, forced into it by circumstance, more than born into it.

I am not a hero.  I don’t want any recognition as a hero.  I’m not out to help the world in that Spider-Man kind of sense.  Actually, I’m not really out to help the world in any capacity.  I just don’t want to be a complete and utter failure in life and in having made it this far, I like to think that I’m doing all right.  If anything, I just want to be known as someone who did something when they were here and that openly, I was not an outwardly terrible person.  I can be a terrible person behind closed doors though and I don’t deny that.

Like The Punisher, I am flawed.  I have my challenges.  I have my fair share of problems and shortcomings.  I know that Christopher had issues, but none of those were on-display yesterday.  When I go, I would hope that people would bring my issues to the surface and not deny that those existed.  I welcome people throwing all my issues onto the proverbial table.  As I am still very much alive, I will own and accept everything that is wrong with me and I have no qualms doing so.

Christopher was a hero and may he truly rest in peace.  His time with us was far too short and I know that he will be missed.  As for me, I am not a hero and never wanted to be.