Someone Else Will Enjoy Her Presence

As an introvert, I tend to think a lot, more than I probably should.  Some might say that I overthink things.  Maybe that’s just the curse with which I will have to live for the rest of my life?  I can’t control it.  It just happens.  I’ve always been this way.  Regardless of reason or my subconscious motivation, this thinking stuff can be very tiring and at times, it can be downright exhausting.  Usually, overthinking doesn’t bother me, but sometimes I hate it because it can be absolutely draining.

I keep beating around the bush though.  Allow me to get to the point of this entry.

Dating back to May, I had forged a relationship with Serena.  Without getting too deep into everything that we’ve gone through in the four-plus months since, I’ll just say that we became close to where I made the decision to make her Work Wife #4.  In doing so, I truly believed that she and I could have developed the kind of working relationship that I had with my previous three work wives.  Prior to the end of this past week, I thought we were progressing in the right direction and all was moving forward in a positive direction. 

She was not at work this past Thursday, as she was going to be attending a concert that she had been planning to attend for months.  I knew weeks, if not months, in advance and I had prepared myself for it.  My plan, which went as I had intended, was to submerge myself in my work, as to not put too much thought into her absence.  I want to say that I managed to get things done at work while she was gone and Thursday soon came and went.  She had even surprised me late that morning and managed to sneak in a surprise phone call to me while she was getting herself prepared for the concert.  I thought that was a pleasant surprise, being that I hadn’t counted on hearing from her that day, and I had even told her that.  I had jokingly told her that she only called me, not so much to tell me anything, but instead so that she could hear my voice.  She did not refute this.  Again, in my head, everything between us was going great. 

Then Friday morning came, as was to be expected with the natural progression of time.  She had sent me a text message, letting me know that she had gotten up later than she had anticipated and that she was not going to be going to her training class that had been scheduled for that morning.  I wasn’t surprised.  I know that she’s not a morning person and getting up early is not her thing.  I didn’t think too much of it, but we both knew that she would have to make up that training class the next time it happens to be offered.  It was just one class to make up, though I think she has a few of these classes to make up, being that she’s missed a couple already, so the make-up days are steadily piling up.  She claimed to be sad about missing Friday’s class, which I questioned, because if she truly wanted to be there, she would have gotten there and made the class.  Still, fatigue being what it is, who was I to challenge her?  She was tired.  She missed her training class.  She was saddened by it.  The earth continues to rotate. 

Maybe she tried to soften the blow of missing Friday’s training class by reminding me that there was a chance that she would be in the office for four consecutive days next week.  This is where things would take a turn, a turn that I did not anticipate. 

The following is an excerpt from a series of text messages we had sent each other on Friday morning.   

S: But this might mean I’ll be in the office 4 days in a row next week

V: Always a plus

V: But for who?

S: For you

V: Just me huh?

S: Not just you…                              

S: I’m sure other people enjoy my presence

S; Just kidding

I can be quite the comedian at times, but I also know that sometimes a “just kidding” doesn’t forgive whatever was said immediate before.

V: I mean, if there is someone else you’d rather spend your day with…by all means…I can take a hint…

S: Stop [some yellow-faced emoji looking upward]

The text conversation essentially ended at that, after she proceeded to tell me that she wasn’t going to be available the rest of the day because she was going to be spending the day with a friend. 

V: Far be it for me to interrupt or intrude upon that…

So, with that, I ended up dwelling on this exchange for the rest of the day.  This is likely where the overthinking occurred, because I think that most people would have been able to let this go not long after the last text message was sent.  Maybe writing about this will help me to let go of it all, but I won’t know until I’m actually done writing this entry.

“I’m sure other people enjoy my presence”

That is the line that got me heated and left me damn near incensed.  I don’t disagree with it because in some sense, there probably are a lot of people in that office who do enjoy her presence.  But in saying that, just because someone likes her mere presence, that doesn’t automatically mean that any of these people would want to devote their entire day to her.  Of course, she could very well spend her days with Vee, Amanda, Ernie, or even Carlos, just to name a few.  As I had told her many times before, there probably are so many other people with whom she could attach herself to.  I am not that important and I can do the job by myself, if I have to. 

She didn’t have to say that though.  She really didn’t.  She knows that I miss her when she is gone.  I think my mistake was telling her that, rather than just keeping that sort of thing to myself.  My problem is that I’m too damn expressive to her and around her.  I need to stop doing that because I think I’m becoming a bit too transparent.  I’m gradually eliminating any of the mystery I once had and I need to stop that.

But in the end, I have no power or control over with whom she chooses to spend her workday.  I can’t tell her what to do.  But let’s briefly analyze this.  Vee and Amanda are still in training themselves, so they don’t have a clear grasp of the job.  But yes, they would gladly welcome Serena to hang out with them any day of the week.  Ernie just recently doing the job, but he’s still very green himself and the job isn’t quite second-nature to him and he’s still learning.  From what I understand and for whatever the reason, Carlos hasn’t quite bonded with Serena or gotten anywhere as close to her like I have.  Sure, he knows more of the job than Ernie does, but he tends to be a lone wolf, so I don’t know how much he would take to having Serena or anyone with him on an ongoing basis.      

It looks like Serena wants to spend time with others, specifically with those whom she thinks would also enjoy her presence.  I’ve been put into an awkward and uncomfortable position.  I pretty much have to see how all of this is going to play out, starting next week.

Overthinking sucks.  Being wrong sucks.  I suck.