Let’s Talk, But Only If I Feel That You Deserve It

I don’t know where I’m going with this particular entry.  I just grabbed the keyboard and I’m writing whatever comes to mind because I need to vent.  In saying that, I don’t anticipate there being any semblance of organization or even sense with anything that I’m jotting down here.  Please bear with me and if you’re so inclined, continue reading and follow along with my disjointed logic and nonsensical drivel.  If you want to chime in, feel free.  I know that I’m probably leaving out a lot of detail here, so allow me to apologize for that in advance.

It has come to my attention that I am not worthy of engaging in conversations if I do not present as being even remotely interested in being a part of that conversation.  If my interest is perceived as being anything along the lines of lukewarm or less, then this conversation simply will not happen or at the very least, I will not be a part of it, and it will not include me.  So, then when I stop talking and I am no longer invested in whatever small talk ensues thereafter, suddenly, there’s something wrong with me.

If I am not overly excited (which is an emotion that I SELDOM ever have, much less put on display) about wanting to talk about a certain subject or topic, she will effectively exclude me from the conversation because of my perceived disinterest.  That’s fine, but don’t ask me why I am disengaging because you decided not to include me in whatever it is you might have wanted to talk about.  I will shut down.  I will assume that my input and opinion are no longer important.  I will no longer be a participant.  You have effectively excluded me, and I am merely reacting accordingly.

With everything that you are going through, it would appear that you have plenty of support from everyone else around you and your immediate circle as it is.  You have people coming out of the woodwork, offering you their support and well wishes, as apparently news travels fast.  You have a variety of female friends coming to your aid, to where I am wondering why I, your male “best friend”, would ever need to be involved with your situation.  You always tell me what I’m this warm and comfortable presence, this person who makes you feel like you can tell me anything.  Yet apparently, there are certain parameters that I must meet in order for certain conversations to occur.  I can’t just be there for you physically.  I have to show a look of enthusiasm all over my face.

As it stands, you aren’t obligated to tell me anything.  You don’t have to share anything with me.  You most certainly can pick and choose what you tell me and that’s fine.

Just don’t be surprised when I respond to you by shutting down and closing up completely, because in the end, I’m going to go into my defense mode and not say anything either.

So, maybe it would be best to keep that situation to yourself.  Or rather, keep that situation between you and your myriad of female friends.  As a man, that situation does not pertain to me and probably does not need to involve me in any capacity.  You made that abundantly clear today.

I was willing to listen to you, just as I always have, but you made the decision to exclude me.

I’m also really questioning the “best friend” label which you have bestowed upon me some months ago.  I’m trying to adhere to this designation and do everything I can to be that seemingly special person to you, but it looks like I just can’t seem to live up to any of those expectations, no matter how hard I try.

Why does this have to be so damn confusing and so fucking frustrating?!?!

I’m trying, but it just doesn’t seem to get me anywhere.