Just Once
I have a lot on my mind. So much in fact, that I don’t know where to start this entry. These last few days have been very trying, to where I don’t know how to deal with most of it anymore. I don’t want to say that I’ve given up, but I don’t know what more I can do. Some of this stuff is out of my control. Some of it, I can control, maybe even a little bit. Then, there’s a really big gray area that could go either way. Maybe I can control some of it? Maybe I can’t? There’s just a lot that I don’t know if I can handle anymore. I’ve never been the type to give up when things get difficult, but I’m trying to get through it all, while taking as little damage as possible. I’m not defeated yet, but I am definitely in a weakened state.
Kim had the gall to pawn off her intern on me two days ago and she did it front of many of our co-workers, which put me in a tight spot because I didn’t really feel like helping her, but I also didn’t want to come off as an asshole by telling her off in front of an audience. Maybe for both Kim and that intern’s sake, Serena agreed to take the intern with us and the whole thing came to an end…at least, in the interim. I was not done with Kim. As Serena, myself, and the intern were eating lunch, I decided to send Kim a scathing text message, where I tell her that I didn’t appreciate the way she essentially dumped her intern on me (yes, I am aware that Serena was with me as well) in the manner she did, with such short notice, and without giving me the option of not doing it. Serena is a genuinely sweet person, who wanted to make a positive out of what I immediately chose to perceive as a negative situation. I still felt that Kim needed to know how I felt and I knew that I couldn’t keep my feelings bottled up. To some degree, Serena knows that I struggle to keep things bottled up. She also knows that sometimes, my feelings can truly get the better of me. Kim never replied to my text message. As I write this, she has not spoken to me since Tuesday. I can truthfully say that Kim’s silence does not bother me one bit. I don’t care how she feels about what I texted her, because I felt that she needed to know how I felt and that I was not okay with it.
Serena. As I said earlier, she is a genuinely sweet and kind person. She’s bubbly. People like her. As far as I can tell, everyone likes her. She’s very much an extrovert. I can’t really say anything negative about her. If I did, I’d be lying. Truth be told, I love her dearly, and she knows this. It seems that I can’t seem to maintain any measure happiness that ever exists between us because in the end, I always seem to mess things up. There have been many instances where I have questioned, especially of late, why she even decides to keep me around? All I seem to bring her is misery and no one wants to be miserable. I bring her spirits down and I’ve been doing it more frequently of late, even though I don’t do it intentionally. I’ll even go so far as to say that I anticipate that she will end all involvement with me soon and if I think about it long and hard enough, I have reached a point where I don’t think I’d blame her. I don’t think I’d want to be around me either. I guess I’m just of the mindset now that she’s going to walk away from me and walk away for good. As much as I want to have some kind of emotional reaction to her leaving, I can’t and don’t want to have one. In the end, it really is all my fault. She doesn’t do anything to me. I just have a tendency to overthink things as well as a tendency to think that she is out to hurt me, when really, she isn’t. She’s one of the few bright spots in my life, a proverbial ray of sunshine in my otherwise dark and desolate world, and I don’t know how to keep her. I keep mistreating her. It’s almost like everything I do is gradually pushing her away from me, even though I very much still want her around. I think the problem is that I don’t know if she still wants ME around.
I’m an introvert. I’m an asshole. People don’t like me. I’m pretty much the antithesis of everything that Serena is. When I say it like that, I can clearly see why I wouldn’t fit into Serena’s world. Add in all the misery I bring her and well, I should be able to see this coming. How she tolerated me this long is beyond me.
I’m not trying to be down on myself or come off as a victim. I guess this is just my way of expressing my fear that Serena is going to walk away from me. I don’t want her to. I just feel that this is coming and yes, I still believe that the only person to blame in the end would be me.
Today, the internet at work was down for damn near the entire day. I was minimally productive as a result. I spent the last 90 minutes of my workday reading a book. I seldom read, at least, books anyway. Because people in nearby cubicles can’t seem to maintain any measure of courtesy by speaking using their indoor voices, I was forced to put my headphones on and read as I listened to Spotify. This isn’t necessarily the best way to read, but I’d rather read while listening to my music on Spotify than whatever drivel was oozing from the mouths of those who sit near me. Being able to read a book during the workday was actually very relaxing and I will admit that I enjoyed those 90 minutes, being by myself in some capacity and just getting lost in the book I was reading.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I have reached a point where I no longer look forward to tomorrow anymore. I no longer have that vim and vigor that I did earlier in the month. Something happened to me along the way and I don’t know what it is.
I hope that the internet works in the office tomorrow.
I don’t care about whether Kim talks to me tomorrow or ever again.
I don’t want Serena to leave. I want to bring her the happiness that I used to give her so seamlessly. I need to figure out to make things right with her. Yes, I remain fearful of what might happen.
I also hope that I’m able to get some sleep tonight. I haven’t been sleeping particularly well of late. My workdays still start at 4:45am, so I might want to figure out how to get some rest.