Just Mindless Rambling

I don’t always know where I fit in the world sometimes. This is probably because I tend to exclude myself from the world and otherwise not be a part of it. I can be socially awkward at times, though I also have my moments where I am fun to be around and can hold my own in any conversation. I also tend to fade into the background when I am in groups of three or more. Having said that, I know that I am at my strongest when it comes to quality of interaction when it is just me and one other person. When I’m engaging and communicating with one person, I am a hoot. When you put me into a group, I gradually become invisible, and I know that about me.

Why am I talking about all of this? Truly, I don’t know. I’m hoping that as I type, this will all come together and makes some sense. If it doesn’t, I apologize in advance.

I have been connected to Serena since the beginning of May of this year and in these now seven and a half months, I am as pessimistic as ever. In these few months, she and I have grown very close to each other. We have shared a lot of ourselves with each other. I know that we have shared secrets with one another. We have had moments of intimacy, both emotionally and physically. I’ve told her things about me that I haven’t told anyone else, and I want to say that she has followed suit and told me things that she hasn’t told anyone either. We have become as close as two people can be.

Having said that, we have also had our share of arguments too and many of these arguments have been my fault because of the way that I communicate. I speak in a very different way, I suppose. It’s not necessarily because of my word choice, but instead because of the content in the sentences I use. I say things that come off as hurtful, even though this is never my intent, at least not with Serena. The challenge that I have is that I can’t control how other people interpret my words and what I say. I might say something one way and she might hear it in a completely different way than from what I had intended. This has led to arguments and misunderstandings many times in the past. Being that I am not confrontational, I hate that this happens because I never know how to talk my way out of it. The more I talk, the deeper the hold I dig myself into. It makes me feel that eventually, I’m going to destroy everything that Serena and I have built together.

I know that the more that I talk, the stronger the likelihood that I drive Serena completely away. I have reached a point that no matter what I say or how I say it to her, I increase the potential that anything I say can and will be misconstrued. I don’t have any immediate examples to illustrate this, but as it stands, I have this gut feeling that the distance between us will continue to increase. I see this rift between us that will only get bigger as time goes on and I wish there was something I could do to fix and even prevent it.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. As the title of this entry clearly states, I am just rambling here and thinking out loud. I felt that I needed to vent and get some of my thoughts down “on paper”. In terms of my current mood, I just don’t feel right. I feel off. Something’s not right and it’s contributing to my feelings of uneasiness. It almost makes me nauseous because I can’t seem to figure it out and it bothers me.

I know that Serena’s feelings for me are intense, as mine are for her. I have hinted at the possibility of leaving her alone because of all the perceived pain and misery that I bring her, and she made it clear that this is not something that she wants. She cares about me, as I do her, and she still wants me around. Still, I really am of the mindset that I may have reached a point where I am doing more harm than good, even though Serena doesn’t want me to leave.

So I guess this entry never made the sense that I hoped it would and I’ll apologize for that.

I am confused and I still don’t know where I was going with this entry.

I feel like shit though. That much, I do know.

Nadia

December 10, 2023

I think like myself you’re an introvert.

You seem to have a good thing going with Serena and I can tell you both care about each other a lot.

Yes, sometimes it’s not even what we say but *how* we say it. Things such as the tone of the voice and choice of words can make a big difference. Women are emotional creatures and they do pickup on these things quite quickly. Next time you feel a disagreement arising just breathe and try to articulate how you feel in the best way… Language is beautiful.. there are hundreds of ways of saying the same thing. Perhaps it may make a difference ☺️

rav diablo

I will tell you this, P_V: I am in the same position, except my beloved Caroline is you, and I am Serena. Here’s what you should know: when you love someone, you come to understand that your partner struggles to compose, edit and communicate ideas, and while I struggled with this for many months, I came to adapt to Caroline’s style of communication. It sounds like Serena has done the work to understand yours.

Even though Caroline trusts me with her deepest fears and vulnerabilities, there are many times when I’ll hear her voice quiver or she’ll stutter, as she attempts to communicate with me what she wants to say. Sometimes she says things that are hurtful, and a year ago, this would have bugged me, and I might even have taken her to task for it.

But as I’ve come to know her, I’ve learned to listen carefully to what she says to me, and then, very gently, ask her more about it. I’m never dismissive of what she tells me, even when it borders on paranoia. Instead, I empathize with her, and recount my own experiences that either support or counter what she is telling me.

I think Serena has grown used to your struggles with language, and, perhaps like me, it has grown on her and finds it endearing. Give her the credit where it’s due; she’s taken the time to get to know you, and clearly respects who you are, and like I do with Caroline, can see past your issues and truly love you.