James And Farrah Make A Porno

I watch porn on occasion.  I don’t say this in an effort to brag or anything, being that I suspect that most men watch porn.  Gay men, heterosexual men, it doesn’t matter.  Men watch porn.  It’s something I’ve come to accept as fact and I’m okay with it.  I don’t watch MTV’s "Teen Mom" series or that equally terrible, "16 And Pregnant".  There’s something that just seems to get lost in translation when it comes to the older generation understanding the programming decisions that the executives at MTV have made through the years.  I remember music videos as a kid.  Now as an adult, I’ve come to miss music videos.  Bad programming like "The Real World", "Jersey Shore", and the aforementioned "Teen Mom" have taken over and really, it’s this kind of programing that’s doing the television-viewing world a disservice.  What’s equally sad is that some of the people who have "starred" in MTV’s bad shows have made appearances in the actual non-televised world and people are recognizing them as famous.  In that last sentence, I used the word "starred" very loosely, because none of those folks are talented enough to be considered stars, in any definition of the word.  I’m upset that I know who Snooky is.  I have nightmares knowing that Puck is still alive and hasn’t died yet from his questionable hygiene.  I die just a little bit inside every time I sit and realize that I know who Farrah Abraham is.  Still, I haven’t figured out which is worse, the fact that she is responsible for the care and raising of a little girl or the recent release of a pornographic scene she filmed with adult performer James Deen just a few weeks ago?  

I have this tendency to pick up random chunks of information and just store them for no apparent reason, whether I plan to use this information or not.  I see things.  I remember them.  I read things.  I remember them.  I hear things.  Sometimes I’ll remember those too.  As I’ve said earlier, I don’t care for "Teen Mom" as a television program or even as a form of mindless entertainment.  I’ve never seen the show.  Everything I know about Farrah Abraham must’ve oozed its way into my head through my casual browsing of various article headlines on Yahoo!, with bits and pieces of seemingly useless information remaining in memory.  I suppose this information saved itself for just such an occasion, meaning when I learned that Abraham saved her talents for the creation of a pornographic movie.  She’s a mother to a little girl.  The father to that little girl is dead.  Abraham opted to have a breast augmentation some time ago.  Abraham and her mother don’t get along.  This is all very fascinating information, it truly is.  In my free recall just a few moments ago, I nearly passed out from all of the excitement I was experiencing.  I could barely contain myself.  Then suddenly, again as I’m browsing through Yahoo!, I come across an article reporting that Abraham just recently released a pornographic scene/movie with adult performer James Deen.  I nearly passed out, just barely able to keep my excitement in check.  

Actually, I can’t say that I was entirely surprised by this.  I don’t mean that I expected Abraham to make an adult movie or anything like that.  What I mean is, I know that this isn’t the first time that someone created such a film or sex tape for the purpose of cashing in on their fading popularity perhaps in an effort to resurrect themselves in the public eye or perhaps completely in an attempt to bring in a quick buck or two.  Paris Hilton did it.  Kim Kardashian did it.  Hell, even Dustin Diamond did it.  You can’t help but feel that the world’s going to shit when Screech Powers is putting out a sex tape.  Now Farrah Abraham can throw her hat in the ring because she too has created a sex tape.  I don’t know what this sort of thing does for her, as far as generating a lasting buzz, but I can’t help but think that this likely won’t launch her career as an up and coming adult movie starlet.  This sex tape does nothing to show off her skills as an actress, whether clothed or nude.  I guess at the end of the day, she makes that quick buck.  Maybe her daughter sees this video in a few years, maybe she doesn’t?

I’m not a movie critic, pornographic or otherwise.  As I eventually gave in to curiosity and temptation, I managed to find this video online and I decided to take a look for myself.  I haven’t watched the video from beginning to end, though I seem to recall that it’s roughly about 45 minutes in length.  Truthfully, that’s just way the hell too long so I found myself fast-forwarding to the various scenes.  From what I can recall, it’s a Vivid production.  Those fine folks at Vivid know how to make a porno or two and I’ve enjoyed their work for a long time.  Actually, I don’t know if it’s their technical prowess or actual work behind the camera that has impressed me through the years, as much as their actresses have.  Some of those porn starlets of yesteryear have been drop dead gorgeous and from what I understand, Vivid has made a name just on the quality of their female stars alone.  I want to go on record right now as saying that in no way, shape, or form does Farrah Abraham come close to meeting the criteria for one of those historically top-notch female starlets that Vivid is so famous for.  She’s in the video.  She gets naked.  She has sex with James Deen.  45 minutes later, it’s over. 

As I said earlier, I’m not a critic.  I don’t pretend to be.  Still, I saw this movie and in watching it, I had a few things cross my mind.  The following are a few things that went through my mind.  

1.  I don’t know what her breasts used to look like before her augmentation, but the ones I saw on her in this video didn’t look all that spectacular.  I know she’s not a porn star or anything like that, but perhaps I was just expecting more, if not better.  I know that breasts aren’t everything but if you’re going to shell out thousands of dollars for an improved pair, be sure you get your money’s worth.  Abraham’s looked very, very mediocre at best.

2.  I wondered if this was Abraham’s first foray into the dark world of anal sex.  I don’t know if she genuinely enjoyed it or if she hated it, but she looked like she didn’t seem to mind it.  Maybe she faked it, like maybe she didn’t like it, but in thinking of all of the money she would be col

lecting from it, maybe she convinced herself in her mind that anal sex really wasn’t that bad?  Sometimes the promise of money makes things hurt a little less.  

3.  In terms of a "money shot", Abraham looked like a pro.  Well, kind of anyway.  When Deen was ready to "complete the scene", Abraham was ready on her knees and she opened her mouth like she had done this sort of thing before.  Sure, she showed a lack of class by wiping spooge from her face with one of the pillows on the bed, but she’s filming an act of sex on tape.  How much class could she have had by that point?  Still, Abraham looked comfortable on tape, which may not necessarily be a good thing, depending on your perspective.  Amidst this perceived comfort, I just don’t see her doing another one of these videos.  

I’ve seen this video twice and I’ve since moved on.  I was curious.  I satisfied this curiosity by watching the video.  I processed it.  I’ve moved on to bigger and better porn.  I don’t know what the masses think about Abraham’s sex tape, but I don’t think much of it.  By porn standards, it’s below average.  I haven’t decided if the fact that Abraham is in it helps the video or hinders it.  Vivid’s done better, but I don’t know if I go and blame Vivid as a studio for this lackluster effort.  I’ll say this much though.  I sure as hell hope this doesn’t open the flood gates for other "Teen Moms" to make their own sex tapes because I don’t want to learn that Amber Portwood leaked a sex video once her sorry ass gets out of prison, jail, or wherever the hell she’s being kept these days.  

There are just certain things that just don’t need to be televised.  Yes, MTV, we’re looking at you.