If Tomorrow Never Comes

As I wrote this entry, this is the song that I had in my head.  Sometimes we forget that we are never guaranteed tomorrow.  Indeed, it is a very valid and intriguing question to ask.  What if tomorrow never comes?  The song proceeds to ask, “Will she know how much I love her?”       

Marquis tragically passed away yesterday.  I say “tragically”, even though I don’t actually know his cause of death.  Marquis had been a co-worker since the beginning of 2024.  I have to imagine that during his short time in our workplace, he had to have made enough connections to where his untimely death would have hit a lot of our co-workers particularly hard.  I know that I was taken aback.  He was a good guy, someone who I think could have gone far in our profession, but for whatever the reason, his time had come to an abrupt end.  While I can’t say that I was surprised by her reaction to Marquis’ death, Serena happened to experience a brief moment where she had become emotional.  I guess it hit her harder than either one of us would have anticipated. 

We spoke about it briefly, though not in private, like we could have, but we talked about it and I want to say that I helped her get through it, maybe even a little bit.  I didn’t say much, at least not verbally, but I want to think that I was supportive enough.  At the very least, she stopped tearing up. 

I know that this was somewhat of an emotional moment for her and I wanted to be there for her.  As I stepped back from it all, I guess I started to think about the proverbial bigger picture, perhaps at least how this might have pertained to us and our relationship. 

For those of you who have read my diary, you might recall that I spent much of the past year writing about Serena and talking about how we were getting along.  We formed a relatively tight bond, to where what we had had actually transcended your standard, traditional friendship.  We were more than friends to each other, though we were never actually in a formal relationship.  Maybe we came close?  I don’t know.  I never kept track of how close we came to reaching and crossing that finish line.  Still, and suffice it to say, we were close as two people could be.  To some degree, we still are.   

Months earlier, we had spoken, in a hypothetical capacity I suppose, about how we would react in the event that the other were to ever pass away suddenly.  Serena had asked me this, pretty much out of the blue, for the sake of starting a deep, thought-provoking conversation.  I didn’t know how to respond.  She caught me off guard.  That had to be the furthest thing from my mind at the time she asked.  Why in the hell would I ever think about Serena not being around anymore because she had suddenly died?  I initially told her, “I don’t know”.  Maybe this was in an effort to buy me some time to come up with an actual answer?  Well, at least, that’s what I had first intended.  Actually, I thought that this would have killed the entire conversation and maybe we could have moved on to talking about something else, but no, she was motivated.  She wanted a response. 

I don’t recall exactly what I told her that day.  I don’t. 

What I did yesterday though, in sort of going back to the conversation we had, was send her the following text messages, as a reminder that we had indeed spoken before about not having each other in our lives because we weren’t alive anymore. 

I apologize in advance for the typos.  You have to remember.  These are text messages and ones that I, at the time, didn’t think I’d be using for an entry such as this one. 

With his passing, it makes me value and cherish the relationships and connections I do have. This is why I hate when we argue because there’s always that small but real chance that something happens and we never get to reconcile…i may not do it daily or every hour, but I never want too long of a period to go by where I don’t tell you how much you mean to me and how much I value you in my life…

We’ve even “joked” about we would react if the other were to pass…its always an uncomfortable thing to think about but we spoke about it and yes, it would absolutely devastating if that were to happen and the other was left to cope with it alone, in a manner of speaking…

I do value and cherish you and even though you know this, I still feel that sometimes it needs to be said…so maybe that way, you never forget…

I felt that she needed to know that not only did I remember that we had that awkward conversation, but also that my feelings for her had not changed, as far as how I would feel if she were to suddenly pass away and I’d be left alone in this world without her.

Maybe I left an impression on her with those messages?  Maybe she wasn’t surprised by the content of those text messages?  I don’t know. 

We spoke about it through text and from what I gather, she felt the same way.  She also felt the need to remind me that she isn’t as eloquent or expressive with her words like I am, so sending text messages like the ones I sent don’t come as easily to her as they do for me.  Well, either way, I know that I reached her in some way, shape, or form.

Marquis was a good guy and there’s no doubt that he will be missed. 

Now, Serena…I don’t know how I would deal with a loss of that magnitude.  Obviously, I don’t want to think about it, much less write about it.  I’m not going to start sobbing as I write this, but I know that I would be an absolute mess if I were to lose her because somehow, her time on Earth was suddenly cut short.

At the very least, she knows that I love her very much.  I mean, at least, she should know.