Frustration, Anger, And Maybe A Quirk

Frustration makes people do things.  I suppose anger does too and really, anger and frustration aren’t too far apart as far adverse emotions go.  Typically, frustration leads to anger.  At least, sometimes, it does for me.

I thought that I was having a decent enough day, but I let frustration and eventually anger get the better of me.  I’m better than that and I should have known better, but I have to acknowledge that I messed up.

I lashed out at her.  I didn’t mean to, but the second that door closed behind us, I went for it.  I didn’t mean to, but I did.  I raised my voice and proceeded to tell her off.  The timing was off, as was the environment we were in.  While I didn’t yell at her, I think that raising my voice was bad enough.  I was intentionally loud, although I have my reasons for getting loud.  She was in a jam and wanted my help and advice as to how to deal with her little situation.  Instead of recognizing the severity of the situation and trying to come up with a solution on her own, she proceeded to laugh, like the whole thing was just so hilarious.

She does that and she does it often.  She calls it her immediate and outward response to adversity and discomfort.  I’ve known this about her and I’ve never liked it.  Quirk or not, it clearly sends the wrong impression.  Being a comedian myself, I know that there’s a place and time to laugh.  I also know that there are times and places where laughter is not appropriate and can be seen as improper and disrespectful.

I’m trying to help her, as she is in the midst of a small crisis.  She wants to laugh it off and even to me, it sent the wrong message.  She doesn’t care about getting help and she thinks it’s funny.  That’s what she communicated to me, whether intentional or not.

Still, I nearly yelled at her.  I raised my voice.  In between my lashing out at her, I still managed to give her the help that she asked for.  Whether she took that help and advice, I’ll never know because she proceeded to throw me out of the room.

Indeed, I messed up.  I lost my cool.

Even before that though, emotions were running high, as was my level of frustration.  I had sent her a text message early in the morning at just before 9am.  Nearly two hours would go by before she responded, which frankly, happens to be her thing.  She is terrible, at least with me, with responding to text messages.  Still, stupid me, I keep sending them, thinking that this trend just might change.  It didn’t, doesn’t, and likely won’t.

In that first text message, I asked her about her availability to help me in the future, likely next week, because I knew she was busy today.  This yielded zero response, which as I said, is not unusual for her.

I sent her a second text message just before 11am, telling her to “Never mind” and that I’d handle business on my own and without her.  I then proceeded to tell her, “…so much for trying to rely on you”.  Apparently, that text message right there didn’t settle well and got her going because she would call me on the phone not long thereafter.  She couldn’t text me back in a timely manner, but she made it a point to call me on the double.

She asked me what I meant by that text.  I told her:

I can’t rely on you.  It’s pretty cut and dry.

As this conversation continued, she proceeds to tell me that she knows that she’s unreliable, not just with me, but with other people.  Yes, she owned it, but yet, she still felt the need to ask me what I meant by saying what I said in that text.  Later in the conversation, she admitted that she said that she’s unreliable because she was upset.  She didn’t mean it, but had only agreed with it because she was mad.  Even as I write this and recall the whole thing, it still doesn’t make any damn sense.  I don’t even feel like trying to analyze this because it’s just going to irritate me further.

But my takeaway from all of that is simple.  She’s unreliable.  Wholly unreliable, like a screen door on a submarine.

I can’t and won’t ask her for help.  I can’t, because often, it’s like trying to draw blood from a turnip.  It took me all this time to finally reach that point, but I’m there.

She’s seldom punctual.  Screw the clock and whatever YOUR schedule might be.  Respect your time?  Yeah, fuck that.  She’ll get to you when she gets there.  She laughs in the face of adversity or difficult situations.  Yes, I know it’s a quirk, but still.  She doesn’t respond to text messages in a timely manner.  Good luck if you need something quickly or even remotely timely.  It’s not happening.  You’re just gonna die in that ditch there.

So, when this afternoon’s episode happened, I could only laugh (I’m not going to follow her lead and laugh openly) inside because the irony behind it all was more than I could bear.  She’s unreliable.  But here comes Visionary when she needs something and I’m there, ready to assist her, no questions asked.

What’s up?  What do you need?

Sure, I lashed out, but I was still there for her, just in a different capacity than she would have liked.

As I said earlier, I don’t even know if she took the help and advice I gave her.  I think at some point, she stopped listening to me.  I know how I would’ve handled her situation, but that’s just me.

Sometime later, she tried to wish me a Happy New Year, but I brushed it off.

I kind of took as her being disingenuous.  She was probably laughing as she said it anyway.  It’s either all fun and games with her, or she’s uncomfortable.

I know it’s a quirk, but still.