From Uplifter To Afterthought

I’m not wrong about this. I can’t be. There’s just no way.

She was really down yesterday and I knew that it had trickled into today. Work gets stressful sometimes and sometimes, it brings her down. I could hear it in her tone this morning that she was definitely still feeling down. She decided that she and I needed to chat this morning and I, as I always seem to do, accommodated her and again, became that source of support, validation, and that verbal injection of positivity that she needed. She would even go so far as to refer to our conversation as a “pep talk” and I want to say that I did what I had set out to do. I get the impression that she came away from our conversation in a more confident and optimistic state of mind. Again, I have a way with words and she knows this. This isn’t the first time that I’ve talked to her like this, where I felt that she needed me to bring her spirits up and restore some of the confidence that she had been lacking. I am confident that I left her in a good space.

I must have left her in a REALLY good space because I wouldn’t hear from her, by text message mind you, for another five and a half hours. She and I were supposed to do some of our work together this afternoon, but as has often been the case, I am typically forgotten as the day progresses. I become an afterthought. Forgotten. Disregarded. Used.  Oh yeah, I forgot he still works here.  

It’s hard not to feel that way. A simple text message every now and then goes a long way. To me, it shows that someone cares, that I am appreciated, that they genuinely cared about my efforts to raise their spirits. As I’ve written before and as Mom told me many, many years ago, if someone cares about you, they’ll make the time for you.  That did not happen today and I was left feeling like I had again, been taken advantage of.

I know that had those tables been turned and she had helped me through some kind of crisis, whether big or small, I would have continued to thank her during the day and otherwise remained in contact with her. That’s only because I know that I am never too busy to send a text message and I’ve always been the type to show gratitude. Sending a text message literally takes seconds, but as is always the case, this is apparently asking for WAY too much from her.

She remained clueless. I tried to explain this to her, that it feels as though she only reaches out to me when she needs something, and she didn’t get it. She said that she feels shitty whenever I tell her that it feels like she’s using me. I replied:

HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

Yes, I replied in all capital letters. It didn’t matter though. She didn’t get it. I’m always in the wrong. She often accuses me of not understanding. Yes, she attacks me for having a response to things. I didn’t have the patience, nor the crayons, to explain it to her in detail. Still, I tried to explain it to her using my words, though I doubt that anything I said landed.

I then tell her:

…[A]pparently we see courtesy and the small things in life very differently.

We do.

But that’s where the conversation ended. I think that’s where my patience ends too.

I need to stay in my lane. I need to stop putting myself in positions like this. I need to let Ernie be the one to bring her spirits up. I need to stop being available. I need to stop giving a fuck.

I care way the hell too much. I need to stop that because in the end, it gets me nowhere.  Equity simply does not exist here, even between so-called best friends.

I’m not wrong about this. I’m not.