Emotionally Stunted

I had also considered titling this entry, “Kiss From A Slug”, but the title above came to me first. 

I like when people tell me I’m wrong for having certain feelings or having any feelings at all. I like when people tell me that my perception is wrong. I like when people try to tell me that there’s something not right with me because I see things differently than what they intended. I am habitually wrong whenever I have a thought about or reaction to anything. My perspective is always wrong.

In the end, I am a loser.  I am emotionally retarded.  I’m always wrong.  I’m consistently accused of wanting to be upset all the time, which makes absolutely zero sense because that’s not me. Who wants to live life habitually upset? Everything about me is bad, negative, and nothing anyone would want to be around or associate with.

Earlier tonight, she essentially thanked me for not kissing her.

I suppose a statement like that left me conflicted. I perceived it to be negative.

I held off from kissing her, out of fear of being rejected. We were definitely in close enough proximity, but it didn’t happen. I was otherwise okay with it not happening, but then she proceeded to thank me for not going in. I apparently took it the wrong way.

She was somehow surprised that I took it the “wrong” way. She was also surprised by my aversion to rejection. I don’t know many people, men especially, who flock to and run towards rejection.

As far as she is concerned, I never see things the “right” way. I misconstrue everything. Oh, she’ll call me intelligent without hesitation and she has no problem doing so. But as far as my perspective and how I see things that happen in the world, I am consistently wrong. It seems that I always fuck that up.

She also accused me of having adverse reactions to negative things, or as she put it, “when things don’t work out in your favor”. When bad things happen to me or are said about me, yes, there might be a tendency for me to respond negatively or perhaps with a bit of anger or disdain.

I’m not going to be okay when people speak negatively about me. I might “feel some type of way” about it really. For the record, I hate that fucking phrase, but I’ll let it be for the purpose of this entry. But as it stands, while I might not always speak up when people down me and speak poorly about me, rest assured that I will have an emotional reaction to it.