Eloquent, Yet Inarticulate

Life can be confusing.  Even when I think that I have things figured out, it turns out that I don’t.  Actually, let me clarify that.  Even when I think I have HER figured out, it turns out that I don’t and that really, I’m not even close.

She claims to hold me in the highest regard.  She is head over heels in love with me.  She values my opinion and I like to think that she truly cares about what I think and feel.  She considers me to be her confidant and I, in turn, regard her in a similar light.

I could go on and on and use all the superlatives that language has to offer to describe how I think she sees me, as well as how I see her.

Sometimes she makes me feel invincible, like there’s nothing I can’t do.  She can be quite the motivator and maybe she’s doesn’t even know it.  There was a time where I felt that being with her made me a better person.

Then…

…and usually without warning…

…she will go and accuse me of doing everything in my power to hurt her feelings, disrespect her, and belittle her.  Sometimes she makes me out to be the biggest and most dastardly supervillain the world has ever seen, as though I have a heart of coal, filled with all the evil and madness that the devil himself could have bestowed upon me without my knowledge or consent.  I have told her countless times in the past that I have absolutely no reason to do anything hurtful or painful to her.  Even still, there she goes again, accusing me of that very thing, like there’s something I have to gain by treating her so poorly.  How can she care about and love me as much as she says she does, and yet, have the audacity to accuse me of imposing upon her such hatred and malice?

Often, I reach a point where I feel that I can’t do anything right, like whatever my next move is, will inevitably be the wrong one.  I have this constant fear that my next step will undoubtedly be a misstep, like I’m going to step on a landmine even with the slightest tiptoe.

So, one of the things that I tend to do in the midst of confrontation or even the slightest bit of psychological discomfort is to shut down or as she puts it, “avoid”.  Yes, I am avoidant, and I do so with purpose.  She makes me feel as though if I continue down whatever path I am on, it will be the wrong path and the one that will lead me down this proverbial downward spiral.  This gradually brings me to what I consider to be a lose-lose situation.  If I sense that she is already mad at me, I am stuck.  If I engage, I fear that I will say something that will only exacerbate matters and make the hole that I’m in that much deeper.  If I revert to being silent and refrain from engaging with her, again “avoiding”, I also lose because she gets mad that I stay away and try to pretend that she’s not there.  I know that she wants me to talk to her and express my feelings, but it always feels like when I do, I never say the right things and I just make things worse.

I hate being in this kind of situation because I feel like there’s nothing that I can do to improve upon it.  I know that I also run the risk of her referring to me as “dramatic”, but so be it.

I just wish that she wasn’t so accusatory or somehow convinced that all I want to do is cause her any harm.  Why would I do that?  Contrary to her beliefs, I get nothing from it.  What in the hell could I possibly gain by making her mad, calling her names, or somehow disrespecting her?  Again, I get absolutely nothing from it or out of it.  There’s no benefit there, none whatsoever.

I’m venting here, I suppose.  I have no other outlets, so yes, I’ve reverted to using my words in an attempt to process how I’m feeling.

In the end, I just wish that there was some light at the end of the tunnel.  Instead, I feel like I’m trying to fight my way out of a coffin made of concrete and all I have in my hands are a plastic knife and a wooden toothpick.

In my head, rest assured that I am motivated.  She just makes me feel like I just don’t have the tools to get the job done, even with plastic utensils and a fighting chance.