Downgrade: From Best Friend To…

According to Wikipedia, “Simp is an internet slang term describing someone who shows excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, typically someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings, in pursuit of affection or a sexual relationship”. 

I had some time to think about this and even trying to process it all these last few days and make sense of it all, it still comes off as extremely hurtful.  Earlier in the week, Serena had the audacity to refer to me as a simp, the definition of which is noted above.  She meant this as a joke, but even still, it resonates with me days later.  I don’t know what would have possessed her to say such a thing, but it did get me thinking about some things about how I act around her and towards her. 

I am of the mindset that behind every joke is a measure of truth.  It is this mentality that has led me to believe that even on a minimal level, she had to think that maybe I was acting in this manner.  Rather than focus on why this attack was jokingly levied upon me, I would prefer to take a look at what it is that I’m doing as a man to give anyone the impression that I am behaving in that manner.  I don’t want to take the time or effort to create a checklist of all the simping behaviors in which I may have engaged.  Instead, I would prefer to vent and question why Serena said this to me.  Suffice to say that hearing this got me livid.  Days later, I am still very upset. 

I don’t know where I went wrong here.  Sure, I paid attention to her.  I listened to her.  I opened up to her.  I consoled her when it was necessary.  I spent time with her.  I thought we connected.  I thought we were close.  I figured that we were two people who were getting to know each other and we happened to become close as a result.      

For months, I was her “best friend”.  Suddenly and without warning, now I’m a simp.  I don’t know where in the hell I went wrong, but something is definitely off now.

I stood up for myself and told her that I was not pleased that she felt the need to talk to me like this and refer to me as a simp.  Sure, she apologized for saying it, but even in the days since this whole thing happened, I’m still bothered by it.  It makes me question everything that we did since we “got together” this past May. 

I really don’t want to think this because it doesn’t feel good to have such thoughts, but because of my recent designation as a simp, I can’t help but believe that maybe she was taking advantage of me in some way.  I was and am still training her at work.  I have the knowledge to show her how to do the job that we do.  Maybe she felt that she needed to be overly nice to me so that I would continue training her?  Now that I’m already questioning things, I now have to wonder what the end game was or is going to be.  I had told her a few times before that there would come a time when her training would end and that she wouldn’t need me anymore.  This isn’t as hurtful or even inaccurate as it may seem, as indeed there will come a time when her training will end and she’ll be able to do the job on her own.  That’s just part of the natural progression with how training works and I understand that.  I had intended for us to still spend time together at work and spend our days together just as we have for much of the year, all once her training was complete.   

She has told me many times before that she enjoyed spending time with me, that she thought I was handsome, and that she really liked how smart I was.  All that sounds really good when you first hear it and otherwise have no reason to doubt the other person’s motives for saying such things.  But then, when you’re slapped with the simp label, a lot of that sort of thing is suddenly questioned. 

I ask myself, “Would she just tell me those things just to be nice, so that maybe my supposed simping behavior would continue, so that I would still pour my attention to her”?

We have even exchanged saying “I love you” to each other and it seemed heartfelt each time.  I know for a fact that it was always genuine on my part.  It sounded genuine when she first told me but now, I’m left wondering if there is any way she faked the whole thing and just said it without any feeling behind it, again, just so that my purported simping ways would continue.                           

I am hurt and upset.  Being called a simp is never flattering and it can make a man reconsider some of his actions and behaviors towards a woman for whom he has feelings.  Serena has treated me like gold these last seven-plus months and as someone who truly meant something to her.  In reciprocation, I treated her the very same way.  The biggest disparity between us is that she decided that somewhere along the line, she felt that she needed to label me a simp.  I would have never referred to her as such because I know that this term is very hurtful and quite demeaning.  The other reason why I would never call Serena that is because I never thought that she ever acted that way towards me. 

So, as I complete this entry, I don’t feel any better now than when I first started writing this. 

I loved Serena.  I still love her.  She loves me.  I still want to think that we still are still special to each other. 

But now, I’m a simp.  I am a fucking simp.  Damn, that’s quite the blow and being called that fucking sucks, especially when Serena was the one who uttered that horrible term and aimed it right at me.