Disregarded And Forgotten

Open Diary user “El Kay” recently posted an entry titled “Ignored”.  I found it to be a good read and I would encourage you to check it out.  Her post can be found at the link below:   

https://www.opendiary.com/m/elkay/ignored-46-6321486/

Reading her post made me think about my own experiences with trusting and relying on people, recently and in general.  As I read her entry, I kept reading and rereading certain lines. 

“Then the excuses…” 

“…made me feel to be outright ignored…”

“…chose not to watch it…didn’t forget…busy…”

“…couldn’t be bothered…”.

“And that’s what hurts”.

“…can’t be bothered”.

“…important enough…”

“Made excuses instead of…”

She closes her entry with:

“I guess hope is all we got sometimes”.

I’ve reached a point where I think that even all the hope in the world isn’t going to be enough.  That’s probably because I’ve given up.  In order to maintain my sanity, I think I have to.    

This is where I’ve said before in at least one previous post, that I need to stop caring or perhaps start caring less about things.  I get ignored, disregarded, and forgotten all the time.  Not only do I need to get used to this reality (again), but I also need to re-learn that I need not preoccupy myself with those things in life that I cannot control.  I used to not care and I used to be really good at it.  For whatever the reason, I have strayed from this mentality and I’m letting disappointment bring me down, when really, I should be steering clear of this disappointment by not caring. 

I used to tell myself all the time:

Life is so much easier when you stop caring.

I used to believe that and I had found these words to be very true.  I need to wrap my head around this concept again, because I have drifted far from it. 

I’ve said this before as well.  Mom used to tell me that if people value you enough, they will make time for you. 

So, if I take Mom’s words and take the inverse of what she said, then logically, this would also make sense. 

If people don’t value you enough, they will not make time for you. 

I really do think that it is that plain and simple. 

But regardless, I don’t write this entry to complain.  Maybe I write this to vent?  Maybe, in some way, I’m showing some solidarity with El Kay, in that I know what she is going through. 

This is why I don’t share things with others.  I have it in my head that people couldn’t care less about what is going on with me, so why would I make it a point to divulge anything about me or what I’m doing?  I tend to want to keep things to myself and more often than not, that’s exactly what I do and that’s how I live.  The less people know about me and what’s going on with me at any given moment, the better off I’ll be.

I will effectively crawl back into my proverbial shell and look to remain there for the foreseeable future.  It turns out that the only dependable and reliable person in my life is me. 

So be it. 

I don’t care.