Complete Waste Of Space

“I don’t need you to be here”.

“I wish I never brought you”.

“I should have just left you”.

Regardless of the different permutations and the various ways to say that sort of thing, the fact remains the same. 

You are unwanted.  You are a nuisance.  You have zero value.      

The only thing she didn’t say to me was, “Fuck you”.  It all feels the same anyway. 

Whoever is saying those words doesn’t value your presence or company.  You are essentially worthless to them.  And for them to go that extra mile and say those words out loud and directly, well, it sucks and it hurts.      

She said those words to me this morning.  Blindsided me by them.  Left me feeling awful for the rest of the day too.  I normally have fairly high self-esteem, but those words up there?  They took all the wind out of my sails and left me completely defeated.  I questioned why she felt the need to say such things.  Suffice it to say that her words were indeed hurtful and damn, that fucking pain still lingers.  I truly hope to be able to sleep off my anger, pain, and frustration because as it stands now, as I write this, I don’t really want to be awake anymore.  Again, I’d sooner just sleep it off and hopefully wake up renewed.

Again, my best friend, of all people had to “go there”.  Had it been anyone else, I wouldn’t be this messed up.  It wouldn’t have hit me the way it did.  But when that one person, the one you regard as a confidant and best friend (which is a term I now find wholly laughable) says those things, it can be downright devastating.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s not how best friends talk to each other.  I know in my heart that I would never stoop so low as to say such things to her, but for whatever the reason, I had it coming.  I wasn’t ready for it.  Never saw it coming.  Hit me very hard though.  Hard enough to where several hours later, it still fucking lingers. 

I have no other outlet but to write it all out.  It is not my intent to come off as a victim.  I just want to put my thoughts and feelings “down on paper”, so to speak. 

She’ll tell me that she cares about me, but in saying what she did, I have serious doubts about that now.  You don’t say those things to people you genuinely care about.  You just don’t, not even in jest.

So, you’ll have to forgive me if I still feel like absolute shit, like indeed I am worthless, like I don’t matter, and that I’m just one of those people who is roaming the planet wasting oxygen and not contributing in any way.

I’m not that bad, not even close, but damn, to her, I am. 

I’m worthless.  I have no value.    

Fuck me, I guess.