Battling Disappointment

I suppose it’s a simple concept, but one that isn’t always easy to live by and adhere to. The more I’ve thought about it through the years, the more sense it has made. Mom never taught me that, at least not explicitly. She had always tried to communicate to me and remind me that disappointment is a part of life. It’s just one of the many things in life that we have to deal with, though it really isn’t one of those fun ones. I had always hoped to avoid disappointment completely.

Zero expectations.

I always thought that was the way to go. I need to get back into that state of mind because when I adhered to it, it worked wonders. Life was great because I avoided disappointment and never had to deal with it. It seems that lately, I’ve gotten derailed. I’ve gotten sidetracked. Inexplicably, I lost my way. I need to regain my focus. I figure I’ll get there in due time, so long as I make some changes.

I can’t and, truthfully, shouldn’t rely on people for anything.  I need to do everything by myself and for myself.  It’s all about returning to a life where I was self-sufficient and independent.

For a brief moment in time, I had prided myself on being someone who was helpful and reliable.  I want to say that for some people, I was their go-to person.  I think I need to step back from being that person and again, refocus on me, while effectively allowing others to fend for themselves and hopefully, rely on others, or really anyone else but me.  Helping is costly and I’d rather no longer be part of the equation.

This is not to say that I’m no longer willing to ask others for help.  I think the difference is that I will try to hold out for as long as I can before finally caving in and asking for whatever help it is I might need.  Again, if I can refrain from relying on others, even for help, I will strive for that.  I don’t like to ask others for help and I still want to shy away from asking, if I can avoid it.

I don’t need the attention of others.  I am just fine being by myself.

I don’t need anyone to care for me.  If I can’t care for and take care of myself, then I’m in trouble.

I don’t need anyone’s affirmation or validation.  My self-esteem is high enough to where anyone else’s opinion ought to be irrelevant.

I don’t need to be vulnerable and let others know how or what I’m feeling.  If I wanted them to know how or what I feel, I would find a reason to make such a disclosure.  There is no reason for me to be an open book.

I need to return to being a closed book.  I need to speak less.  I need to return to the person I used to be.  I need to stop caring.

That’s where I need to go.

Zero expectations.

It has a nice ring to it.  I need to listen to that ring and start living it like I once did.