A Day In The Life Of…

For some reason, I woke up with this renewed sense of vim and vigor.  As though I was energized, inexplicably rejuvenated, to take on the day ahead.  Definitely not how I intended to wake up this morning and start the day, but there I was.

Today, I woke up at 3:45am. Normally, my alarm goes off the first time at that hour.  I’ll typically hit “snooze” twice before finally waking up at 355am. This morning at 3:45am, I decided to forego the snooze button and I just got up.

Even decided to shave this morning, which last night, I had no intention of doing. I was going to go into the office today with stubble and truly, without giving a damn.  The stubble doesn’t necessarily make me look disheveled, but it’s not my normal clean-cut look.  There have been days when I didn’t care enough to shave and I’d just go in “as is”.  So, after my unexpected shave, I got in the shower, got cleaned up as I do.

I kept it casual and neat today, as I decided to wear a pair of light blue denim jeans, a black collared shirt, and a pair of brown workman boots.  I donned my Joker-themed (or Batman fame) lanyard and completed the look.  Actually, that’s not true.  I completed the look by applying hair gel for a truly, completely clean look.  In my head, I was now ready for the day and I was looking especially dapper, at least by my lowly standards.

At 4:27am, I hop into the car and get ready for my short 6-mile drive to work.  The odometer clear reads 321,675.  My car is old.  23-years old to be exact, but still runs well.  We would be adding a few more miles to its register today.

I got into the office at 4:40am, as per my usual.  It’s quiet.  Even security was nowhere to be seen.  As I walk by Cheryl’s desk, I notice that someone left a small box of crayons on her desk next to her keyboard. My first thought upon seeing that is quite simple and came to me almost immediately.

“Oh, that’s sweet. Someone got her crayons. That gives her something to chew on when she comes back”.   

I believe she’s on vacation.  I don’t care for Cheryl and don’t anticipate that I ever will.  She’s just kind of there, taking up space and mostly worthless.

I’m not even in the office for five minutes when I have this weird feeling come over me.  You know the one.  It’s that feeling you get when you’re convinced that someone is watching is you.  Before I could turn around, this black woman with security happens to walk by my cubicle.  Now, I have to say.  Security never does this.  I’ve come in early as hell for well over a year now and this is the first time where security has walked past my cubicle.  I’m wondering if maybe I looked suspicious?  She walked by me, kept on going, and I never saw her again.  Actually, I had never seen her before.

I ate breakfast just after 5am, which this morning consisted of a banana nut muffin and a bottle of iced coffee that I mixed together and brought from home.  I never go to Starbucks because I don’t know the menu, nor do I speak that language.  I avoid it because I’d prefer not to embarrass myself.  I don’t drink coffee that often anyway.  The coffee and muffin settled well enough and my stomach didn’t hurt from it.  For me, that’s a successful breakfast.

At 6:02am, I left the office en route to the other office and surrounding communities. I knew it’d be a few miles away, about 70 or so, and that’s a lowball estimate.  I left earlier than usual, just to beat traffic.  Actually, I just wanted to get out of the office and leave.  Start the day really.

Now, the problem with long drives, like the ones I went on this morning, is that they give you a lot of time to think. Sometimes, those drives can give one too much time to think. I fell victim to it this morning. I had more time than I needed, or wanted, and it got to me. Got to me good. Real good.

So, my mind and subsequent thoughts reverted to her.  I anticipated that this was going to happen, especially with what happened yesterday and pretty much before yesterday. I had plenty of time and material to ponder and mull over. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t.

Well, here goes.

I will admit that in the past, and as recently as yesterday, that I’ve gotten upset with her, just as she has gotten upset with me.  Sadly, we do this often and we’re good at it. Still, that doesn’t mean that I like arguing with her or that I enjoy it in any way. Arguing with her sucks and it always will. It’s not fun and truthfully, I hate it.

I apologized to her many times, again as recently as yesterday. I told her that I argue with her because I’m passionate, because I care so much about her, that I don’t like it when I feel that I’m being treated unfairly in return. In my heart, I don’t want to believe that she mistreats me on purpose. I think she does it unknowingly. But, in believing that we can communicate with each other, I tell her how I’m feeling.  I’ve been vulnerable around her, which she knows can sometimes take a lot out of me.

Sometimes that communication goes awry and all hell breaks loose when it shouldn’t.  At least, I don’t ever plan on that happening, but it still does sometimes.

I tend to want to focus on the great things about her, because all that negative stuff brings me down. I’d rather be happy than sad.  Any one of us would.

Consider me gushing here, but I’ve always thought the world of her. I do regard her in very high esteem, even though sometimes, I don’t show it.  I think about her all the time.  I miss her when we’re apart.  Indeed, she’s always in my thoughts. Just the mere thought of her brings a smile to my face and she’s seen it herself, even when I’ve tried my damnedest to hide it from her.

Maybe there’s some adoration there? Ah, who am I kidding? I love her. I’ve even told her as much and she knows it.  The way we look at each other says it, in a clear display of our unspoken communication. She knows my gaze towards her and I know hers towards me.  It’s truly something magical.  We just know and get each other and yes, I’ll admit that having such a connection with someone feels really good.

I truly feel that I can tell her anything, just as she knows that I will always be that shoulder for her to cry on and that ear that will always listen to her. She knows that she can always come to me. I’ve always prided myself on being reliable to her.

Just being with her makes me feel so warm and comforted inside. So as I make what feels like my forever drive this morning, I was missing her because I know that we would have enjoyed each other’s company today, had she been there.  The conversation would have been so fun and dare I say, stimulating.  It always is.   She is smart, though I wish she would give herself more credit for it, because I see it and always have. I believe that we can talk about anything and everything and it will always lead to a good, fun, and even thought-provoking time.

But yes, I missed her this morning. Didn’t stop me from thinking about her, not in the slightest. I would even go so far as to say that she knows how much I think about her. I’ve told her.  She knows.

Got to the first of my three stops and actually did a little bit of work.  Doesn’t take much effort for me.  I can do my job with my eyes closed and with both hands tied behind my back.  I was in those communities for just under three hours and promptly got back on the road, though not before stopping at the local Walmart for a much-needed restroom break.  That coffee had to come back out and it did.

Funny enough, I spent much of the morning with just the radio on, rather than rely on Spotify and the general scenery to keep me entertained.  On the ride back, Spotify would be asked to do the honors this time and keep me awake for the return trip.  Of all the songs that played, there was one that stood out and seemed very relevant.  It’s the song posted above.  I’m not a huge fan of Macy Gray, but with this song, she captured my feelings in a very smooth and succinct way.  Some of the more noteworthy lyrics:

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop?

I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe
But we’re not

I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you
And I’ll keep my cool, but I’m fiendin’

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

So, I made the long trip back with all kinds of songs playing, which in tune had my mind swirling all over the place.  Eventually, I got back to my home office, though I would grab lunch on the way.  Kept it simple.  A burger and fries.  The small size, because I can’t eat medium or even large-sized combo meals anymore.  Thank you, Ozempic.

Spent a good portion of the latter part of the afternoon doing busy work, mostly in the realm of typing and writing. Also did some work, this time in the handwriting department, because Cristina asked. I have excellent penmanship, of which Cristina is well aware, and on occasion, I am called upon to complete forms. I don’t mind it. It gave me something to do and it was more writing. Who am I to complain?  Apparently, my handwriting wasn’t enough because I was asked to punch holes in documents, scan documents, and even copy documents.  For a brief moment, I felt like I was one of our clerical staff.  It didn’t bother me.

At about 3:50pm, I’m starting to stare at the clock. Now, mind you, I am normally off on Fridays, so really, there’s nothing compelling me to stay. Well, that is, unless we’re talking about money, which is always a motivator for me. Usually, I stay until 5:30pm and that’s exactly what I did.

The workday was seemingly routine, except for maybe all the miles I put on the car today.  Necessary evil.  Had to be done.

Perhaps this is all pretty mundane.  Nothing hugely spectacular, I suppose.  Just a day in my life.

As I write this, I’ll be looking to wind down and get ready for bed.  In just a matter of hours, I’ll do most of this work stuff all over again.  This is my normal.

Where will my thoughts take me tonight and into tomorrow?  I can never really say, but know that there’s always a lot going on up there in my head.

Still, if I make an educated guess, I might have a pretty good idea.

Funny enough, I think she’d know too.

By the way, the final odometer read for today was 321,913.  That’s 238 miles in all.  Without a doubt, that was a lot of driving today and with it, a lot of thinking too.

A lot of thinking.