What if I do?

There’s nothing like a tragedy of some sort to make you realise that your job is crap and the interview you have this afternoon, well, you couldn’t care less about it. I detested the incessant whining before last week but now it just makes me mad. They have nothing to complain about really, they have jobs, homes, everything is fine. Me, I feel terrible. I don’t even know why I’m here. Well, I do. If I sit at home I’m gonna wallow and achieve nothing. At least if I’m here I can speak to people, feel supported and feel like I’m achieving something. Sitting at home accomplishes nothing except crying at daytime TV.

We spent the weekend attempting to work through this. I’m worried Duncan blames himself in someway, that he didn’t look after me well enough. I go through accepting that it happened and blaming myself. I probably shouldn’t have gone to the football last Saturday, maybe it was too much for me. I probably shouldn’t have eaten paella on Monday night, although the prawns were tiny and definitely thoroughly cooked. I should have stayed at home on Thursday instead of going into work despite the fact that I’d started bleeding. Maybe it was the pcos – there is an increased chance of miscarriage with pcos, it’s a hormone thing. There are a million little things that go through my mind and the rational part of me knows that this is one of those things and it probably would have happened even if I’d sat in bed for the next three months. Duncan’s now so worried that this will happen again every time. He didn’t realise how common early miscarriages were.

The worst part was having to tell people. I was still basking in the congratulations on Thursday morning, a friend of mine having come back off holiday and found out.  By Thursday lunchtime I was lying on the couch crying my eyes out. Even now, I still feel like sobbing.

But that makes me feel stupid. I was only five ish weeks along. We’d only really known for 10 days that I was pregnant and yet we were already so attached. I was over the frigging moon when I’d recovered from the shock. I was actually looking forward to the whole thing. And now… now I just feel empty. We will be trying again, but we’re gonna have a break for this cycle. We both need to recover emotionally.

Until there is a next time…

xx