Undone – the sweater song

‘You can sleep forever, but still you will be tired’ Faithless, featuring Dido – One step too far

I’m feeling much better than last time. Still bored out of my mind at work, but at least I can eat without fear of seeing it again. Work has gotten tough on emails & phone calls & yesterday sacked two people for using the email for ‘non-business’ purposes. About ten others got a disciplinary. Of course the two sacked were agency staff so we have to be doubly careful. It’s all getting a bit ‘big brother’ (and I don’t mean in the sense of wannabe stars parading round like their god’s gift to the human race, unfortunately. At least that would be a diversion from the monotony). They are still planning on introducing this whole system that basically does away with our jobs and, finally, more people are starting to realise this. It’s about time. I spotted this three months ago, but would anyone listen? Noooooo. But I still have no job to run to, so I’ll just have to remember to keep on doing so great for a little while longer. Not content with 5 days a week out of me, I am again working on Saturday, but at least then we get away with doing bugger all.

I feel kind of adrift at the moment. Tomorrow is the summer solstice and I have no plans to celebrate it, and I don’t know why. I haven’t picked up a ‘witchy’ book in months and I’ve not visited the usual communities in as long. It would be nice and easy to blame accuread for sucking all the life out of me, but I don’t think that’s it. I think I’m having a crisis of faith in some way. I do believe and I want to believe, but there’s some little voice in my head asking me why I need to cling to something, why I need to feel defined. I put my pentacle necklace on for the first time in months today (not been worn cos of some horrible eczema on my neck since I can’t remember when), but …. I don’t know why or even if I expected it to make it all better. I want to be a solitary witch, I know that I couldn’t go in for the whole ‘coven’ scene, but I feel kind of disconnected from it all. Which of course is my own fault, for cutting myself off. I don’t even think that wicca is actually my path, I’ve spent more time learning and reading about ‘traditional’ witchcraft – herbs, crystals, etc. I think what I need to do is stop piling up unread witchcraft books and actually read what I buy. I bought one in SA about African magic, which looked really interesting and something I definitely wanted to look into more. And where is it? Sat in the spare room on top of an already crammed bookshelf filled with books on herbalism, spells and ‘theory’. I feel like I’m not being true to myself and being myself any more.

On a lighter note, I’m thinking of making a trip to London in September, advance warning maybe, but it looks likely. So how about OD September meet 2? I’m thinking of making it a kind of annual tradition. What do you reckon? Provisionally booked for the first weekend in September if you fancy drinking far too much and ordering chinese food!

Until there is a next time…

xx