This charming man

‘I’m asking him to make a change’ Michael Jackson – Man in the mirror

I have to say I like this colour combination much better. Mind you, it’ll probably look different at work. I discovered the first purple I used looked darker on the home pc than it did at work. Weird.

Since the middle of June I’ve become some strange person, not quite myself. I think it’s bride fever or something. Since we set the date I’ve become concerned about how I look and, more to the point, that maybe I should go on some kind of healthy eating kick and starting exercising more often. Let’s get this straight, I’m not huge, I’m a size 16 – which is the same size Marilyn Monroe apparently was and everyone thought she was sex personified. Plus I’m not junk food crazy. I can’t stand McDonalds, Burger King or Fried Chicken places. The thought of that food makes my stomach turn in a very unpleasant way. We eat relatively healthy – make meals every night and rarely resort to take away or ready meals. I also walk to work – 35 minutes each day and will now be walking home each day as well (cos Metro are introducing more ticket inspectors and I balk at £1 for two stops on the metro and I have no intention of landing myself a £10 fine). But this hasn’t stopped me bringing home videos from work and taping the aerobics shows on sky sports. (A perk of my job is getting as many videos of shows we do as I want – you just have to be damn quick as only 2 copies exist – but no-one ever wants the aerobics ones!) I now have a wide range of 20 minute aerobics programmes I could watch as well as my yoga video. I just don’t have the inclination.

It’s not a motivation thing. I am motivated enough to know that I want to be thinner, trimmer, in better shape by the time I walk down that aisle (or whatever, it’s in a garden) and I know that I want to look better in my photographs. These will be the memories of our day that last and that everyone will want to see. I don’t want to look fat in them.

But why is it that as soon as the ring was on the finger (or, more precisely, ordered) I suddenly felt the need to do this? Is it something in the air as soon as you become engaged that you must try and lose some weight and look better? Or is it the thought that I hate myself in photos and don’t want that image being passed around friends and family for years to come?

I’ve always had an up-down relationship with my body. I was fine until about 18, I didn’t care too much, I knew I was in relatively OK shape. But then the weight piled on quickly and eventually I was diagnosed with pcos. Which is something convenient to hide behind – “Oh, it’s not worth dieting, my hormones are so messed up anyway the weight won’t shift and I’ll just be hungry.” It’s not that I didn’t try, it’s just that I gave up to quickly. I didn’t get instant results and I gave up. I have no willpower. Which is maybe why I feel that I need just under two years to attempt to lose some weight and look better.

So what I should be doing now is yoga and pilates and not sitting here complaining to you, right? Well, maybe in an hour or so….

Until there is a next time…

xx