The Unforgiven

It’s been too long, again. I’m so busy these days, at work, at home, that I barely have time to do anything any more and I definitely have this feeling of doing a lot of jobs but very badly. Plus, every time I glance at a calender, it seems another month has gone by and I’ve not even noticed, what is that about?

So, what have I been doing? Studying. Or not. I’ve been reading books in an attempt to do some background reading for two essays. But I’m not sure I’ve taken any of it in. I need to write these two essays by Christmas, at the latest, but really I want them done by next tutorial. I think the problem is two fold. One, I have to write reflective essays on being a parent and being parented. I hate writing reflectively when it’s demanded. I can write reflectively here for some reason, but not in a formal essay. Plus I think I’m scared of going over the feelings of early motherhood and rehashing my parents’ divorce. My new tutor, who I will meet properly for the first time when I hand the essays in, will be marking them, and I’m terrified that she, and anyone else who reads them, will read my essay on being a mother and think, "What a terrible mother." See, I obviously have issues and plenty of material to include in the damn thing, I just can’t do it. I think the other mental block for this is that once these 2 essays are done, I’ll only have one left for level one and I can start thinking about moving on to level 2. This is good but also bad. Level one is theoretical. I can handle theoretical. Level 2 involves actual teaching and I’m just not convinced in my head that I’m gonna be any good at this, that I’m gonna fail and let everyone down. And letting my local branch down scares me a lot because they’re paying for all this. I can’t get to the end and then not teach, they’d be, rightly, furious. I need to get over this and get some self esteem/confidence back.

Work. Work has been a nightmare. The owners have been up to no good, are threatening further no good and, as we go into Christmas, no-one feels their job is entirely safe any more. It’s not even the ‘credit crunch’ that’s the problem here. With contracts already settled and OFCOM demanding programmes are subtitled, as an industry, we’re likely to avoid the redundancies and issues of a credit crunch. But we’re still with that uncertainty.

Me. I’m in a bout of self loathing at the moment, directed towards my body. I’m sick to death of wondering if I’ve ovulated, whether I’ll ovulate, if it’s about to happen. I want this to be over already. 6 months already have gone by. I know it took 12 with Zoe and all, but I feel surrounded by pregnancy at the moment.

Until there is a next time…

xx