The sound of crying

‘I’m looking out for angels, just trying to find some peace’ George Michael – One more try

I feel…. flat. Which is weird cos today, for the first time in 7 months I got some news on the job front. Granted, it’s nothing more than an interview for a production assistant job paying about a grand more than I’m on now, and I’m way over qualified for, but you know, it’s an interview, so I should be smiling a little bit at least. Right?

I feel like something is sucking energy from me right now. (Probably Andrew, seems to be using everything else that’s mine up, so why not some energy as well?). My heart isn’t in anything and yet despite my lack of wanting to do anything, my mind is working overtime. I can’t keep up with the ideas that flow from it, and yet at the same time, I can’t focus on one thing long enough to develop the ideas into something more than a couple of sentences, or in some cases, words. I spent a few hours the other week writing over 5,000 words as a new, new idea for a novel, and now it’s ground to a halt (partly cos it’s damn hard to conduct research when the website that all the search engines tells you exists, doesn’t when you try and load it). I can get the initial idea, and sometimes I can even develop it. But try and get past 5,000 words? Forget it! I can see where I want it to go, it’s just getting it there. Maybe I’m not cut out to try and make my career as a writer. I found the most perfect freelance site the other day, where members can bid on all sorts of editing, writing, marketing, technological projects. Only problem? Membership is $100 a month, and as I can barely scrape together the $20 I need for another six months here, I don’t think that membership of the site is an option.

Duncan has been the same way. Restless, listless. He applied for (or was made to apply for) another contract at BT and whilst we haven’t heard, he doesn’t think he got it – not that he wants it. Instead he has applied to transfer to a new department which means more hours, more money and no more relying on stinking customers to make bonus. At the same time he is getting nowhere with his studying. Already three weeks late with his assignment he has two more weeks to complete, before they start asking more questions, and he feels blocked. I’ve tried visualisation with him and even a small candle magick spell (and damn, it’s been a while since I did one of those. Do you know how hard it is to conduct a spell with someone in the house who has no idea that you are a witch? Not easy when your stuff is scattered round the place!), but nothing seems to have made any difference yet. Fingers crossed.

It’s Lammas today (celebration of the beginning of the harvest) and despite the fact that I shouldn’t use Andrew as an excuse, I have found it even harder to attempt to celebrate in any way. I feel unreasonable by wanting him to leave. It must be hard to come to a country knowing no-one and attempt to find a job, somewhere to live etc. But up until last night, he’d only applied for one job, and I think I am living proof that it’s never as easy as all that round here. I feel unreasonable by expecting some money off him, but I can’t afford to feed him and let him watch our digital. It’s a damn good job we have flat rate internet access or there would be hell to pay when the next phone bill came in.

I think I need him to leave. And I think once that happens I am going to cleanse the house. Not just clean, but cleanse. There is too much clutter and negative energy round here at the moment. Maybe it will help. As for the interview? It’s next Wednesday 7th at 10am. Good thoughts please?

Until there is a next time…

xx