The medication is wearing off

Duncan’s cousin and girlfriend left early this morning and I finally feel I can be myself again and go home after work instead of wandering round town aimlessly in an effort to reduce the amount of time I spent with them. It’s not that they aren’t nice people, I’m sure they are, but I just wasn’t in the mood for their stay. What I wanted to do last week was take some time off work, sit around the house and have a good old cry. What I ended up doing was working, flunking the interview for the promotion and allowing a whole lot of rage, anger, sadness, grief and other emotions build up inside. It’s a wonder I don’t have a stomach ulcer.

I’ve spent the last few days swapping emails with a friend whose had 2 miscarriages and is now 20 weeks pregnant. It helped a lot. Work, and my doctor to a lesser extent, seem to think I should be over this already. That the two days off I had during the actual miscarriage should have really been enough to deal with how I felt and now I’m back at work I should be back to my old self. Boy are they bunch of wankers. On a good day, I only feel like crying once or twice. Yesterday, on my shopping trip into town after work (I found £10 on Saturday night after the ice hockey so went and treated myself to 3 books) I saw John Lewis were having some sort of pram show going on. In one of the window displays were 5/6 prams and pushchairs. That alone would have set me off right now, but outside, looking at the display was a 17/18 year old girl and her chav boyfriend. They were talking about nappies and prams and I could have sworn I saw a cigarette in her hand. I felt like smacking her one, to be honest. Why does she get to be pregnant and I get to be the one having the miscarriage. The world feels so hideously unfair at the moment.

But our guests left this morning and our tiny flat is once more our own. I intend to enjoy it while we can. The house move is progressing smoothly so far and I still entertain hopes of starting the move before Christmas. In the mean time, we’ve decided that, when we move and have had a good look at the garden, we’re going to find a space for a bush or tree to plant in memory of our little one. I thought Duncan would think I was being silly but he liked the idea so we just need to decide what to plant now.

I’m back on the diet as well, well, half heartedly at the moment. I go through stages of dieting followed by small bursts of comfort eating. Maybe not the healthiest of attitudes to food right now but it’s working. I lost 4 pounds in the last week, which should be cause for joy, but the four pounds were merely ones I’d put on after finding out I was pregnant and becoming massively hungry. I am, however, getting to rediscover clothes that were in the back of the wardrobe and I’m building up a nice collection of trousers that are far too big for me but will be fab as maternity wear when I do get pregnant again.

Until there is a next time…

xx