The bitter end

‘That’s me in the corner’ REM – Losing my religion

Did I tell you I was off to see REM later this year? I’m practically giddy just thinking about it now. We are off to T-in-the-park in July, followed by a trip to Leeds festival in August (at which Metallica are confirmed to play, and Linkin Park rumoured, hence we are going). I’m not sure how we’re going to pay the couple of hundred quid each in tickets, etc but still, maybe we’ll just go without a holiday this year. It’s not like I’m going to have to save for uni this year, as it looks increasingly likely that I won’t be going until 2004 now. The CRB have still not sent my disclosure through, so I am still waiting to complete my 2 week placement which apparently must be done before the interview. The last interview date is March 19th. You do the maths. I don’t feel that upset by it. I mean, I am. I’ve finally figured out what I want to do and I’m frustratingly still stuck in my crappy temp job and no nearer than I was six months ago. But it’s less of a worry. If I delay until 2004 I can finish my maths a-level, save up some money (assuming I can get a higher paying job) and hopefully, Duncan will have finished studying and have left BT meaning we’ll have a bit more money between us. It’s a weight off my mind in one way, one less thing to worry about.

It would be nice if that had contributed to the demise of my achingly sore head, but that is still here, like a unwelcome visitor. It’s stress, the doctor assures me, and maybe he’s right. It doesn’t help, but still. Spending six weeks with a headache has meant that my studying has slipped slightly, leading to panic about exam dates (less than 2 months until the first exam) which has lead to frenzied studying to catch up, more stress and more headaches. A viscious circle.

I don’t write as often which is bad, but then I have so little to say these days. I get up, work, come home, study, eat, sleep, get up. My life has slipped into a routine and whilst it is comforting in a way, it hardly makes for fascinating reading for you does it? I am not unaware of the world, in fact I have turned into some news vulture, devouring the news each day, having to explain it to people at work, whether we are at war yet or when we will be. I have no doubt that the troops will march in the next couple of weeks. I wish they wouldn’t, but they will. I have no doubt that war is by no means the answer, that bombing another country will merely create more terrorists. Iraq had weapons (aren’t all weapons ones of mass destruction if in the wrong hands). We all know that, because we all know that we (as in America and the UK) sold them to him. He’s had them for decades, but suddenly there’s an urgency to ousting him from Iraq. I hate that those of us opposed to war (and I remain opposed to war whether or not a 2nd UN resolution is passed next week) I hate that we are lumped together as ‘Saddam loving’. The man is evil. I have no doubt, but killing the civillians of Iraq won’t help.

I watched the BBC documentary on Nelson Mandela last week, and will watch the 2nd part on Wednesday night. The man fascinates me. He’s in his mid 80s and still fills every minute of every day trying to help people. He’s received death threats for his stance on Iraq (oooh, how big and scary are those people, threatening an 84 year old man, that must make them feel so macho and superior) but he still carries on. I can’t see many of the current heads of state doing the same now, let alone when they are no longer running the country.

My brother holds strong war opinions. He believes the only way is to go in and carpet bomb the place until they surrender. (He may read the Daily Mail or the Sun, but I couldn’t swear to that). I asked him when he would be shipping out to Iraq, but strangely enough he’s not prepared to fight in war he so strongly believes is right. He has no conviction to his opinions which is what lowers my opinion of him. Those that want the war should be the ones fighting. I don’t see Blair and Bush in the Middle East. I could rant on, mainly incoherently, all night, but I won’t.

I’ve been applying for new jobs. I can’t stand another minute in my current one. I’m sick of the bitching and back stabbing, the expectations of better work but with more constraints. I don’t work in media anymore and I swear, when I did, it was nothing like this. This is meter reading for f*cks sake. It’s hardly life or death. In my section 5 out of 7 of us have handed their notice in. Unfortunately I am not yet one of them, but I have been treated to ‘You should just quit and get a data entry job’ My arguments of ‘data entry pays is crapper than here’ have no effect and heaven forbid I should stay in a job because I actually have to make rent each month. One co-worker, when I pointed that out said ‘but I want to be able to do things like go on holiday. I still don’t have another job, but I need to leave here’ But your mortgage is paid and your husband earns a bloody fortune, you’re not even close to being in the same situation as me you stupid cow! It must be such a trauma to know that this year you can only afford Europe as opposed to the Caribbean. How heartbreaking. Maybe my job is stressing me out, or more to the point, maybe the people around me are sucking the life out of me.

If you want me, I’ll be over there, in the corner, rocking gently backwards and forwards.

Until there is a next time…

xx