Suffragete City

I know, I know, it’s been, as per usual, far too bloody long. I just don’t have time to do anything any more but letting go of this place is one step I just can’t make, and don’t want to make, for that matter. I’m constantly exhausted (doctor’s appointment next week to check thyroid and anything else. I hope they find something wrong, because the thought of having to live with this constant need to sleep is too depressing)

Something has to give but, when I look at my life, there’s not really anything to give. I’m a mum. Can’t give that up, just not possible. Yes, it would be easier sometimes, I wouldn’t have to sit in her room each night until she falls asleep (that’s her latest issue) but then I’d miss the smiles, the kisses and hugs, the laughing until she gets the hiccups and then laughing some more. So no, can’t give that up even if it was possible. Work? I’d love to give that up. Working for a company which fails to appreciate its staff is bad enough, but to find out last week that the reason we can’t get a decent pay rise, or move to more suitable offices (you know, ones without bars on the windows) is because the owner and her partner/director of company have been creaming off up to £140,000 between them is just staggering. Honestly. So, yeah, I could give this place up tomorrow. But then I couldn’t afford to do anything with Zoe all day. We’d sit at home and she’d be bored and I’d be insane and she’d never get new clothes or toys (and when I say new, I mean new to her rather than new new).So, no, can’t give that up, much as I’d like to. What next? Ah, studying. Don’t want to give this up. This is my lifeline out of work. I feel stimulated when I study, something I definitely don’t feel at work with wall to wall Real World, Flavor of Love and Tila Tequila. Plus this is something I feel passionate about. I don’t want a mum to go through what I went through after Zoe, feeling sidelined and not understood. So, no, can’t really give that up.

Which leaves… Well, nothing. I do little else beyond read and occasionally knit. They’re my relaxants, so can’t give them up. There’s so much more I want to do. Couple of book ideas I’d love to work on for a start. I have new photos of Zoe to upload to Flickr – They’re on the computer, which is a start. There’s DIY that is gonna need starting at some point and later on there’ll, hopefully, be another baby to add to all that. I am insane to want that, surely? I can barely find time for me, how would there be time for another baby?

Until there is a next time…

xx