Stay together for the kids

‘I was never faithful, I was never one to trust’ Placebo – Blackeyed

I have a new favourite tv show at the moment. Apart from ER, Buffy and Friends I am now sorely addicted to Temptation Island. Every Sunday night I have to tape the episode to watch during the week. I think my main reason for watching it is the sheer fascination. I am completely bewildered as to why loving couples would want to do this. It is billed as the ultimate test – that these people love each very much and are wanting to make sure that this is, you know, ‘the one’. So they go off to an island, seperate for three weeks and date other single people. Does that make sense to anyone? really?

I mean, first of all, if you are doubting that someone is ‘the one’ doesn’t this indicate that maybe they aren’t? I always thought that you would know who ‘the one’ was, with every part of you. But apparently not. These people cheat on each other and then get upset when they find out the other has cheated on them? It just ends up with me screaming at the tv, “why are you there if you don’t want him to cheat on you?”

And that’s not being sexist either. It is mainly the guys doing all the cheating. So far the girls have had a few massages off the single guys but nothing more. The guys, well you’d think it was some lap-dancing club over there. Or maybe it’s the single girls that are just complete whores. Who is to say?

But watching it also makes me think of my relationship with Duncan. It’s not our anniversary until the 24th – that’s a whole year. This time last year I was in a completely different place and couldn’t see me dating anyone at that time. I remember last valentine’s day being out with Mary and saying that I was really quite happy to be single. And then suddenly, it’s a year later and we’re living together and planning the future. A future of marriage, kids, buying our own home together. It’s kind of freaky. But despite this I still worry. Still worry that some other girl is going to come along and take him away from me. There’s no reason to think this, other than the fact that everyone leaves eventually. Well, they do in my life. My first boyfriend cheated on me and left me, my dad left me at the age of seven. Sometimes I wish that my parents had gotten divorced before that point, when I couldn’t remember him being some part of my life. And I know that Duncan isn’t any of these people, but I don’t know how to believe that everything will be ok and that nothing will happen. Because there is no guarantee.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not like obsessing about this every moment and destroying the relationship in that way, but sometimes, at 3am when you can’t sleep cos your sinuses are blocked, your throat’s sort and you sat watching the Olympics because one of you at least should get a good nights sleep. At those moments, thoughts come freely and won’t leave easily. And it’s those times that I’m scared of ending up so very much alone.

Until there is a next time…

xx