Spectators of suicide

‘Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb’ Smash Mouth – All star

The one problem I have when writing, and I don’t know if all writers experience this or not, is that I completely immerse myself in the world I am writing about. I spent a lot of time yesterday inside the head of my heroine, which would be fine, if I wasn’t writing the depressing scenes. I spent the rest of the day slightly fuzzy in the head and not too sure what was wrong. Duncan got worried when he discovered a book on depression & how to treat it by the computer. It took a while to convince him that I was fine, but my character wasn’t. I hope he believes me because I don’t want him worrying unnecessarily about me.

The stress of the last few weeks has taken it’s toll on my body and my ulcers are back. I never used to suffer from stress quite like this, but in January as I recovered from the flu & fretted about my mum’s cancer op, I developed the most vile ulcers all over my lips and tongue. It made eating virtually impossible and talking a tiny problem. Well, I discovered yesterday that they are coming back. My lips look horribly swollen and I can see one ulcer developing right on the front of my lip (last time they at least had the decency to be in my mouth & therefore hidable). This could get very messy.

I have my three options and response sorted out for tomorrow. The possibilities are 1 Redundancy now & garden leave granted until December; 2 A new job role which I can try for 4 weeks & then take redundancy or; 3 the same crappy job going forward. My responses go as follows: 1 Woo hoo!!! I’m outta here, where’s my money?; 2 Sod the trial period, can I take the redundancy now? or; 3 Well, that’s very nice, but here’s my notice.

Yep, I’ve decided that should some disaster occur & they decide they want me to stay on as a researcher, I will be out of there quicker than they can say ‘Congratulations’. It doesn’t seem like a rash decision, seeing as how I was planning on leaving anyway. Maybe I’ll just have to temp for a while to get some money coming in. If only Duncan had finished his course already and was earning a fortune, then it wouldn’t be so much of a problem.

Until there is a next time…

xx