Smile like you mean it

Do you know what word I hate right now? Viable. It sounds so clinical, devoid of feeling, horrible. I especially dislike the way it is written on my maternity notes. I didn’t get a scan to see if the pregnancy was ‘viable’ I got a scan to make sure everything is alright. In my mind, at least, it’s a vast difference.

I had my early scan yesterday. Ultrasounds are very much not fun. There’s the waiting around, the cold gel, the more waiting and the fact that you need a full bladder for the whole unpleasant experience so when the sonographer presses down on you to look inside, you run the risk of peeing all over the bed. Anyway, my appointment was for 2, so I got the bus straight from work (with a full bladder, fun) and hung around. I had to go on my own as Duncan had to attend a conference for work so walking into a waiting room full of other couples was not uplifting to say the least. I felt pretty rotten that I had to be there alone, damn BT. Because it was an early scan I had to see a doctor first who asked me questions and questions (which he could have got off my maternity notes, which I had with me, if he’d thought properly) and I was then sat back outside, waiting for my ultrasound. It was 2:20 by this point and the bladder issue was becoming painful. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long and I was called in.

She put the cold gel on my stomach and started pressing down nice and hard (ffs!). She didn’t say much for the first five minutes, which was starting to become stressful. I was starting to get worked up when she turned the screen towards me and there it was, our bean. It’s so small! She showed me it flickering away and then brought up a ECG so I could see the heartbeat on the screen. It was so moving I almost cried on her. She printed off what she needed to and pointed me in the direction of the toilet. Phew!

I then had to wait another 45 minutes to see the doctor again who told me my pregnancy was ‘viable’ but he’d like me to come back in 2 weeks just for a further check up. I figured this was cos of the fib we’d had to tell to get the scan in the first place. They handed me a picture and off home I went. I was bouncy and smiley.

Then I read my maternity notes. Turns out, the sonographer has requested a repeat scan because my bean is so small and she only just found the heartbeat. Duncan’s now worried something might still go wrong, which I suppose it can. It’s hard to try and not worry but the words ‘viable’ and ‘tiny’ are all over the notes from yesterday. They say once a heartbeat is detected the risk of miscarriage does go down to something like 3% so that is some positive. I guess they’re just worried it’s not growing properly so I’m gonna spend the next 2 weeks being extra careful with food and making sure I do everything right so that in 2 weeks time they can go, "fantastic, it’s a lovely size, everything’s good."

Until there is a next time…

xx