Shout

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say these days, but it’s more that I rarely have time. I feel far busier since I left work, probably not helped by the job I’ve taken. I regret it some days, cos it makes me feel like a rubbish mum. I basically work whilst Zoe plays by herself or watches TV. Now, she’d do both of these things anyway, but still. And when I’ve not been working or entertaining Zoe, I’ve had to get on with the studying.

I was feeling massively demotivated by the whole course for quite a while and didn’t really do anything towards it. I knew I had to make a decision sooner or later because I had a course booked to run in November and didn’t want to decide at the last minute. And the more I left it, the harder it became to decide, because to decide to stick with it meant I had a lot of work to get done in a shorter and shorter space of time. Which was off putting to say the least. But then I had tutorial in July, it was a lovely day and it was great to reconnect with my feelow students but also to see a student who qualified last year and hear how much she was enjoying it. And it made me feel supported, not by head office, but by my peers. And that’s what helped. I came home and went to work on that 4,000 word essay and whilst it may not be the greatest essay I’ve ever written, it should be enough to pass and that’s what matters. I’ve also planned 5 of my 6 sessions of my course and have gone from no motivation a month ago to being at the point where I’ve finished what I had planned for the next 2 months and can start on something else. I may not be a postnatal leader forever, but I’m gonna get this damn qualification if nothing else. I know I can do this.

Other than that, it’s been steady here. Work, entertaining, housework, not getting pregnant, it all goes on as usual. Next hospital appointment is in 11 days. I’ve lost about 5/6 pounds, which is a start but not really the 2 stone he was talking about. I get the feeling I’ll be sent away again to lose some more before they give me the clomid. It’s hard. There are days when I feel I don’t deserve to get pregnant again, days when I think it’ll never happen, even if I do start ovulating again and days when I know that this is what I/we want, more than one child. Duncan’s starting to miss the newborn days – not so much the lack of sleep but the tiny baby bit. Zoe seems to be growing so fast these days it’s almost depressing. In the meantime, we have Zoe’s impending 3rd birthday and the party to organise. She’s quite excited but very impatient about the whole thing. We haven’t told her we’re having a party yet, I don’t think she’d be able to wait another 5 weeks.

So that’s my life, in a nutshell.

Until there is a next time…
xx